


The Cost of Doing Business

by LucifersLady



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, Multi, Partner Betrayal, Revenge Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-15
Updated: 2016-05-22
Packaged: 2018-03-30 14:47:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 32,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3940801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucifersLady/pseuds/LucifersLady
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You and Crowley have been together for a long time, but he hasn't been treating you very well since he started this little war with the Winchesters over the tablets. finally its the last straw and you leave, intent on getting revenge on the heartless demon for breaking your heart.<br/>you seek out his frenemies the winchesters and castiel and offer to aid them in taking him down.</p>
<p>but what happens when the resident angel takes an interest in you? do you let the angel heal your wounds?<br/>and when Crowley is finally trapped and filled with human blood, does he realize what he's lost and beg for forgiveness?<br/>trapped between a demon ex lover and a patient angel.<br/>whats a girl to do?</p>
<p>((mostly to storyline with a few minor alterations: characters who are supposed to be dead arent, story arcs differently etc))</p>
<p>NOTE: This story will have graphic descriptions of violence and gore and sexual content along with foul language!! if you don't like it please don't read it!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Last Straw

The satisfaction as the mirror shattered around your fist was primal. The fury coursing through your veins was in proportion to the pain. You had loved him with all your heart, you had trusted him, and he betrayed you.  
    The fight had started over something so stupid, a date; a date, like the last 100, that he had missed. No good excuse, no ‘I’m sorry’ just arrogance and spite. You tried to remember where everything had gone so sideways. How had you ended up just another girl with a broken heart?  
Maybe it was when the apocalypse had been stopped. That’s when all the rules went out the window, and all the identities had gotten so screwy….When you had given yourself to Crowley.  
   

_You had lived as a hunter for half your life, since the buried tragedy in your life that all hunters have, the one that starts you on the path into ‘The Life’.  You were confident and took no prisoners. Your rules were simple, Kill anything not human, and trust no one.  You had a reputation for being a great hunter, but much like your mentor; Gordon walker, you preferred the single lifestyle. While not as cut throat as your predecessor; you took after him in that you didn’t team up and you didn’t play well with other; although you had your share of contacts and acquaintances._  
 _It hit you hard when you had heard of Gordon’s passing, but you couldn’t say it surprised you. He had become someone else, obsessed with the infamous Winchesters. After he went to jail you visited, but when he tried recruiting you into his little holy mission you cut ties._  
   

You reached out to snatch a priceless dagger, some 14th century monstrosity, and hurl it purposefully right into the forehead of a life-sized portrait of your now ex-lover. That would REALLY piss him off; arrogant prick.  Then moved to step over the body of one of the demon attendants Crowley always had to cater to you, he had been an asshole anyway. You picked up an item here or there, valuable and priceless things Crowley had procured over his centuries. You wondered how much the pawn shop would give you and your smile at the thought was more of a menacing snarl. Crowley did love his **things**. So you would make sure he lost every single one. Bent, sold, or broken, he would regret the day he broke your heart.  
     
_He had pursued you for over a year, teasing and wheedling you after the prize fight was averted. You had tried countless times to kill him, but damn if the new king of hell wasn’t clever. You heard he and the Winchesters were mortal frenemies of sorts, but anytime you mentioned them he would get so angry; frankly it was hilarious._  
  
_You had met them now and again over the years, but you hadn’t been too impressed. Although when you had sought them out to get answers about Gordon’s death your opinion had been heightened quite a bit. You couldn’t blame them for Gordon’s death, he attacked them, but learning that Sam had killed Gordon, freshly vamped out no less; with just steel wire...even you couldn’t have done it._  
  

_You knew Crowley wanted your body; he liked the challenge, nothing more.   After over a year of witty banter, sexually charged innuendos and a lot of whiskey, you let him take you. After all, what did you have to lose? One night of taboo pleasure and things would go back to normal. Oh how wrong you were._  
  
Next you grabbed his clothes from the closet, all his fancy expensive suits and loafers; really he’d kill you when he saw them. You slipped the cap off the container of bleach with a wild sadistic grin and soaked them.  Sitting and watching as the stains spread, ruining them. In each room of his impressive home where you had lived the three years…you left destruction and vengeance in your wake. With every knickknack you threw, you broke another memory to pieces at your feet. Your knuckles bled, and shards of glass and wood had left cuts all over your body but you didn’t stop until every room had felt your wrath.  
You stopped in the parlor, the impressive entryway was empty, all the decadence further in, and you sat down the small end table you had dragged from the bedroom with an echoing slam. You reached up and ripped off the fist sized diamond, one of the crown jewels, it had been a gift from Crowley when you first moved in. ‘A welcome home gift worthy of my queen’ he had said. That was back in the beginning…when you had been deluded enough to think he cared.  
  
_Walking into his home for the first time had been like walking into a royal palace, everything golden and expensive. He had smiled so smugly at the wonder on your face, his demons carrying in your bags._  
 _“Holy crap..” you murmured softly, and he walked forward, arms wrapping around you from behind, your arms automatically coming to rest over his. You turned your head and he kissed you deeply and passionately. After a moment he released you, he smirked, calm as ever, but you were panting. He loved to send your heart racing. He released you, and waved off your pout as he pulled something from his breast pocket._  
 _You gasped, the necklace was beyond beautiful. The chain was intricate and obviously solid gold, and hung on it was an overlarge faceted diamond, colored a deep ruby red. It looked like a giant drop of blood. How very like your king. He beamed at your reaction and moved to clasp it around your throat_  
 _“It’s too much!”_  
 _You protested, knowing he wouldn’t listen. He brushed his fingers against your jaw and looked…almost tender._  
 _“A welcome home gift, for my queen” he responded unabashedly, and took you to tour the house._  
 _It had amazed you how sweet the demon king could be at times. He was a dominant and demanding lover; You had expected one and done. Much to your surprise however, when your one night had been over he had laid claim to you, body and soul. He wouldn’t allow you away for long, and in some weird way you had been brought together in some unholy union. A hunter and a demon, lovers._

  
It had been a bigger deal for you than a normal girl; you didn’t do cliché things like fall in love. Why give life a weapon to hurt you with later? You had learned that early on under Gordon’s tutelage.  
Somehow Crowley had found a chink in your armor, and wormed his way into your heart. He was a rude manipulative bastard, but he could be gentle and sweet sometimes. When there was no one around. Crowley had promised you the moon, and you had believed him; Sucker that you were.  You gave up hunting and became his mistress, his queen…And three years later he ripped it all away.  
And for what?  His little pissing contest with the Winchesters? To go play lord over his little demons?  
No. In the moment that ugly word left his lips, it became your sole mission in life to ruin him. Everything he loved was going to be ripped from his grasp. And when he lay begging at your feet…pleading for forgiveness…you would stab him through his black heart.  
   You lay the jewel on the little table, in the large empty hall it would grab his attention the minute he walked in. and next to it you put the coin you always carried (a tracker Crowley used to keep tabs on you, just in case) it was smeared with your blood from punching the mirror.  
and lastly a small piece of paper,  smeared with  tears. The last tears you’d ever shed for the bastard  
**_I warned you_**  
**don’t bother looking**  
**if I ever see you again**  
**I’ll kill you**  
_**who's the cunt now?**_  
  
you sealed it with a kiss and walked out the doors. Heading towards a new chapter in your life, dedicated to revenge.  
You knew exactly how to even the score, who you needed, now you just had to find them.  
You pulled out the burn phone you always carried, you’d ditch it after this call. Dialing a number from memory you listened to it ring. Finally a gruff voice picked up  
“Roy, its me.”  
Your old acquaintance was shocked, you hadn't talked to anyone in years, just dropped off the face of the earth. You cut off his curious questioning  
“I’ll explain later, I need a favor.”  
His curious reply was affirmative,  
“I need to find the Winchesters.”


	2. Rumble in the concrete jungle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> crowley comes home and 400 miles away, you try to convince the Winchesters you are on their side.

You pulled up slowly, eyes keen for any signs of danger or a trap. Roy had managed to get the Winchesters location through the grape vine, under strict orders not to mention you.  Though the greater hunting community was unaware of your activities over the last three years, the Winchesters were all too aware you had, until a few days ago, been team hell. Gaining their trust would be next to impossible.  
  You parked in an alley nearby and walked toward the far side of the motel, scoping for any signs of danger. It was more likely you could run into demons than a trap from those boys. You knew Crowley, better than anyone maybe, he would be furious. But you had to hope you had a few days before he’d return, he always did like to sulk after a fight. He’d use all his unearthly resources to track you down and punish your daring when he did discover you had left. Would he torture and kill you…or drag you back by your hair?   
Your lip curled, remembering his cruel words that led to your current desperate course of action.

 

_“You don’t even give a shit anymore Crowley! Why keep me here if you don’t want me?”_  
You had demanded, fool tears leaking down your cheeks. He sneered and scoffed  
“Because I can do whatever I want to you darling.”  
You flinch, he wasn’t pulling any punches, must have been a rough day. Every time something went wrong in his dealings you knew, because he was all demon when he came home…no hint of the sliver of humanity that had made you love him.  
Your anguish churned, turning to anger. You were not some delicate flower to take his insults lying down.  
“Screw you!”  
His eyes narrowed, a sign of danger, and his eyebrow rose  
“excuse me?”  
He was giving you a chance to beg, you’d rather eat dirt. You had an infamous temper, rivaling your demonic lover’s. When you saw red all bets were off.   
“I said screw you! You pompous ass! If this is what we are now, I don’t want it. I don’t want YOU!”  
You screeched the last word, he had been growing distant and angry, he had never told you the specifics of his battle with the Winchesters but it was changing him. He was growing colder and crueler towards you, which scared you to think if this was how he treated you…a lot of people were probably dead.   
You blinked and he was an inch away, face livid. You knew better, when he was like this you shouldn’t pick fights…but you had had enough. Demon or not, loved or not…NOBODY treated you like a whipping girl. His hand flew out and you felt a sting across your face, you fell to the ground. He had held back, you remember thinking, or else you would be across the room.  
“You are mine! You useless cunt!  I can use you, beat you, or kill you. You’ll never leave and you know it.”  
He snarled viciously, you reeled back as if he had slapped you a second time, your body beginning to tremble with a burning fury. He knew. He knew NEVER to call you that. You had warned him when he had tried to use it playfully in bed in the very beginning; that was a deal breaker, the ultimate disrespect.   
he knew if he ever called you that, You would never forgive him. He had PROMISED.  
the arrogance, to think he could take your ONE rule, and break it. He was lucky you didn’t have a knife; it would be sticking out of his neck.  
You were jolted out of your head when he started to walk toward you, his face once again a mask, you glared daggers and shakily got to your feet. You took a step back as he approached and he stopped. His eyes seemed conflicted, but after everything, it was probably wishful thinking.  
“Clean up this mess. I’ll be back later.”  
He said in a clipped business-like voice. And he was gone.  
The rage exploded, and all hell broke loose.  
You would never forgive him. Never! He was going to pay.  
No one treated you like a dog and lived to laugh about it.  
Your fist lashed out and the first vase smashed against the wall…  
  
  
You took a few extra minutes but all looked clear, their trashy old impala was in the parking lot so they had to be here, Roy could only get you the hotel, finding the room was another headache. But as you slipped around the back and began looking through windows and listening at doors, 400 miles away, a demon was coming home unexpectedly early.  


 

 

{Crowley}  
  
He gritted his teeth as he stopped outside the door to his mansion. He knew he had crossed a very serious line and was reluctant to face your wrath. As far as demons go, they really didn’t ‘love’ the way humans did. But what he felt for you, fierce and possessive as it was, he supposed it could be painted as love. It was disgustingly human enough to make him want to placate you; he held a bouquet of rare, and frankly very expensive, lilies. They were your favorite, he had always thought it fit since it was one of the most rare and valuable flowers. He wouldn’t take just anyone for his queen.  Gathering His nerve he pasted a smile on and walked in.  
    He tried to sound cheerful as he called out your name, bracing for the fury you would rain down.   
However, the house was silent. Ah! Giving him the silent treatment…not the first time, although you usually got the screaming out of the way first.  
    Crowley moved to walk towards the stairs but stopped. There was a small end table in the center of the entry hall. Odd, it looked like the one of the set from the bedroom. Suspicious he moved closer, hands still holding the bouquet aloft. His eyes fell on the shining diamond and he winced, you had never taken it off since he had gifted it to you. Damn, he knew he’d have something painful waiting, you were not one to forgive, and he had broken the one cardinal ‘don’t you dare’ you had given. He didn’t think he’d have the stomach to actually apologize, he was the king of hell damn it!   
   His eyes continued, and stopped dead, there was a small folded piece of paper, and lying on top was the tracker he had you keep at all times. His nostrils flared and a perfume of warning scents floated past.  
Blood, yours and others, chemicals of some sort, and…fire? What the hell was going on?  
   He reached out to take the coin, it was stained a drying red, an alarm went off in his head. It was your blood. The flowers dropped from his hands, forgotten at the scent of your blood.  
  he ripped open the note, his eyes scanning the tear bleached words. He read it once, read it twice, he was halfway through the third reading when it finally clicked in his resistant brain.   
You were gone. You had left him. Crowley, the king of hell…was alone again?  
The table was splinters before it even reached the wall, and seconds later, the wall crumbled too. A maddened growl whipped through Crowley’s chest as he stormed up the stairs, calling for the handful of demons he had left to tend you. He found the first one halfway up the stairs, chest pierced clean through. So, you had found an angel blade, clever little she-devil. He wasn’t too concerned about the demon, he had plenty more, but it meant you might really be….  
He reached the top step, eyes wild. The whole room was trashed, the bookshelves toppled, displays in pieces…his eyes widened when he saw the blade sticking out of his face on the canvas.  
That bitch had destroyed everything! A sudden premonition overtook him and he went from one room to another in the blink of an eye.  
Bedroom, totaled, two bodies lay sprawled.  
bathrooms, wrecked, water leaking over his nice carpet.  
guest rooms, uninhabitable the rest of your guards were scattered throughout.  
  
finally he made it back to the hallway, he looked at the remnants of the table, and in the center of the floor was the necklace, the note and the coin, laying next to the bouquet. He snatched them in his hand and let out the fiercest, most terrifyingly furious howl of rage he’d ever made.   
You had destroyed everything and left without a trace. But he would find you. You knew when he took you it was forever, you belonged to him. And he would never let you escape.  
He would drag you back and punish you…so complete his dominion of you would be you would beg to come back and never leave his side again.  
In a flash 3 demons kneeled before the crazed demon king. Fearful of his wrath, but obedient.  
“What do you need of us?”  
Asked the bravest; voice still shaking from the fury of Crowley’s rage.  
His eyes were blood thirsty and he grabbed the lesser demon by the collar  
spit flying from his teeth as he hissed menacingly  
“You are going to find my runaway mistress, worm, and don’t you dare show up empty handed, or ill tuck you into a corner of hell you’ll never crawl out of. _Find. Her. **NOW**_!”  
by the time his shout had died out they were gone, he howled again, lost in a rage.  
How dare you leave! How dare you destroy his things! You thought you could hide…  
but he would have you back and you’ regret abandoning your king. He’d lock you away so the only thing you would see was him. Only word on your lips his name.  
He owned you! Body and soul…You belonged to him.  
His fist lashed out and the door was reduced to splinters, he stepped out and the whole mansion was wreathed in flames.  
He disappeared with a snap of his fingers as the house went up in smoke.   


 

{You}  
You had been searching for over an hour, no unwanted guests, and no luck locating the Winchesters. When suddenly your luck turned, you heard something like a mini sonic boom, and a window two doors over lit with a soft flash. You snuck silently over and leaned against the door, you heard distinct, and slightly familiar voices.  
“…getting closer, we have Kevin stashed safely, now it’s just a matter of time til he translates…”  
you smirked, deans gruff voice was music to your ears. You had found them. From the noises you could hear two men, you assumed Sam and dean, but now a new problem loomed. Finding them had been the easy part, now convincing them to accept your help, before shooting you, could be tricky.  
You didn’t want to surprise them, you knew from experience how trigger happy hunters were, so you did the only thing you could.  
Straightening up you took a deep breath, and knocked on the door.  
  
the muffled conversation went silent,  you heard someone move towards the door, and the unmistakable soft click of a hammer being pulled back. Shit, so this was going to be a toss-up, But if you wanted revenge, these jack asses were your best shot.  
   slowly the door opened a crack, and a suspicious pair of green eyes landed on you, your hip jutted out slightly and your hands rested on them, each thumb hooked through a belt loop casually.  
You flashed a mocking smirk  
“Hey Dean-o, I come in peace.”  
His face went from curious, to shock, to pure rage as he slowly recognized you. The door flew open and he had a hand gun an inch from your chest. Yep you knew were going to get shot. his face was contorted in suppressed rage,   
“What the hell are you doing here bitch?!”  
he looked behind and around you, probably expecting demons to bum rush them. You sighed, taking a step back with your hands raised to show you weren’t here to fight, and to give him space to see you were alone. He peered around but kept the gun level with your chest  
“Look I’m alone, white flag and all that. I have a proposition for you boys.”  
Dean laughed sarcastically, the conversation seemed to travel back and moose, oops, Sam, walked up, he seemed unsteady on his feet, but had an almost identical reaction to his brother.  
“what the hell?”  
he asked, they seemed to do some brotherly silent communication and Sam went back in the room, emerging a second later with someone you didn’t recognize.  You could have sworn you only heard two people…  
“What the hell would we talk to you about?”  
You glare lightly, this was all well and good but you wanted to move things along, you glanced nervously toward the parking lot. Who knew if Crowley was having them watched? He couldn’t have you followed, you had taken precautions and made a hex bag, but that bastard was too resourceful for you to be at ease.   
“Look can we take this somewhere more private? “  
Moving slowly but determinedly, hands still up in surrender, you walked toward them, they stepped back and you moved into the room, dean, gun still on you, slipped behind to close and lock the door behind you.  
You relaxed, plopping down on one of the twin beds to sit down, the three oriented themselves around you; obviously preparing for an assault of some kind. The unknown man stood just behind you, a little too close but you let it slide. You sighed and rolled your eyes  
“Look Crowley doesn’t know I’m here, so you can relax. No ambush or traps. I’m here…”  
the words felt like vinegar coming out of your mouth but it was the only way  
“Im here to help you take down that smug son of a bitch.”  
Sam and dean looked at each other then back at you, obviously not convinced. the third man never looked away, he was standing only a handful of inches away and you looked over at him, eyes narrowed  
then looked back at the brothers, motioning to the other  
“Is he gonna hump my leg or something?”  
Dean rolled his eyes  
“Back off a little Cas.”  
so his name was Cas? Whoever he was he nodded and took a step back, but obviously still within range if you got uppity.   
“What do you mean you want to help us?”  
Sam questioned, he held his arm as if it were injured, you huffed, this was going to take forever.  
“I mean what I said. He is on my shit list and I want to make him pay. His biggest pain in the ass is you boys, so I’m in. “  
Dean hadn’t lowered his gun but seemed not as apt to shoot you at a moment’s notice  
“What changed then? Because last time we met you were pretty firmly on team Crowley,”  
You grimaced; last time you had seen them was two years ago, they had trapped Crowley in a warehouse and you had stepped in and freed him. They had looked so confused and angry; they didn’t understand why a fellow hunter would help a demon. it would have made you feel guilty if it wasn’t for Crowley. You would have done anything for him…but that was all in the past.  
You glared at the floor, not sure you wanted to tell them anything, but if they were going to believe you…you had to give them at least something.  
“Ever since whatever you and Crowley have been fighting over started…”  
Sam cut you off  
“You don’t know?”  
he looked skeptical, you weren’t known to be trusting, but You shook your head, biting your lip as you realized how stupid it had been to take it on faith. Love makes you stupid, hadn’t Gordon always said that?  
“He said he didn’t want me to get dragged in. I just knew you two were in the middle and he was losing.”  
Dean looked smug but they didn’t interrupt as you continued  
“He’s been getting aggressive and cruel toward me. I’ve been locked up in that house for a year now; he wouldn’t even let me go out. And then…”  
You stopped, your voice had dropped to barely a whisper, you felt the tears burning behind your eyes but you gritted your teeth. You needed the anger, the fury. Not tears, not heartache. It would cripple you if you gave in and cried.  
Sam seemed almost like he wanted to comfort you, but you were an enemy and they couldn’t forget that because you were a good actress.  
You couldn’t stand to bear your wounds to them, but you gave them a less vital truth, one that wouldn’t pick at your heartache.  
“we got into a fight and he did something unforgivable. So I want to take him down.”  
You looked up and your eyes burned with fire. You looked dean directly in the eyes  
“You can dunk me in holy water, keep me handcuffed. But I want Crowley to suffer, I want him to beg. And the only people who can get me my revenge is you dweebs”  
dean motioned to Sam and they moved a few feet away, having a hurried whispered debate  
What you said could be true, they had a knew from experience how unforgiving you were. You look around and see that Cas or whatever his name was still looked at you unflinchingly  
“What you want to have a staring contest or something Romeo?”  
He blinked, his head tilting as if he didn’t understand  
“I am merely ensuring you do not try anything underhanded. And my name is Castiel, not Romeo.”  
Your eyes popped open; you had most definitely heard that name from his royal majesty. Last you heard, he was dead after the purgatory scheme went south. Apparently there were some new developments he had neglected to mention.   
You stood and turned to see him better, a coy smile playing on your lips, so this accountant-looking nerd was the angel who stuck it to Crowley?  
“Wow, the angel Castiel? “  
he nodded  
“I am an angel of the lord, what do you know of me?”  
You chuckled softly  
“I’ve been with that asshole Crowley for three years hun, and you and those boys are on the top of his ‘I want to disembowel’ list.”  
You smirked wider; with these three you could do some serious damage. If castiel was still alive…oh the damage you could do with an ally like that. Maybe your revenge wouldn’t be so hard to get after all.  
Castiel’s eyes widened at your admission, he was unsure who or what you were. You seemed to be human, but what would Crowley want with a human woman?  
the boys walked back over, dean put his gun down, if not away. Sam seemed calm, but dean looked like he had swallowed a can of sourpuss whole.  
“If you want in, you play our way. And just so we’re clear, we don’t trust you a bit. You may have Intel but you’ll be kept so you’re harmless until we see if you’re on the up and up”  
You flashed an almost sincere smile, it didn’t reach your eyes  
turning back to the confounded angel and stuck out a hand, your face mocking  
“Hello Castiel, I guess we will be helping one another.”  
the angel looked over at dean, a silent question in his eyes.  
You allowed the older Winchester to take your arms and bind them behind you; he added hand cuffs atop the bindings   
“a little excessive maybe?”  
you muttered and he told you to shut up, Sam guided you to a chair where you sat obediently while he added bindings on your legs, dean went to stand by castiel  
“who is this woman?”  
he asked dean softly, unsure why they would bind her so securely. Dean’s lip curled in disgust and he turned so his back was to you. Voice dripping with disdain  
“Cas, meet Crowley’s long time mistress. She’s basically his number two, the queen of hell. Oh and she used to be a hunter!”  
Castiel was truly shocked by the news, searching dean’s face for the joke that he must have missed  
“but she is human, I do not understand…”  
dean shook his head, knowing Cas’s confusion well, they had had the same reaction when she had betrayed them years ago, and revealed her real loyalties. How do the king of hell and a hunter end up shacking up? They had never gotten a satisfying answer. They assumed demon deal or something similar. Dean turned and walked to sit in front of your chair, he and Sam beginning to question you. Castiel hung back, looking at you with open curiosity. What had happened to you that had broken you so badly, you would betray your own species and aid a demon? Even more curious, what could Crowley have done to turn you against him? Castiel was reminded of his own follies, with the leviathans and his own disastrous partnership with the king of hell. He had always thought he was doing the right thing.   
Is that what led to your partnership with Crowley? Could you be a victim of folly as well?  
Despite dean and Sam’s obvious disdain, castiel couldn’t help but think you needed help. Even though what you were asking for was revenge, it was more than that. Your soul was riddled with painful scars as much as your body was.  
You were bleeding inside and out; Writhing in pain behind those cold angry eyes. He pulled away from his thoughts and moved closer, listening as you told the Winchesters everything you could about Crowley and his plans.


	3. To the secret base!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys decide whether or not to believe you, Crowley is at his wits end

They stayed up most of the night testing and interrogating you. They did all the usual tests. Belts of salt laced holy water, silver, you name it. Sam and Castiel didn’t seem to enjoy the more painful tests, and Castiel insisted when they were all complete (and you had passed with flying colors) they allow him to heal you.  
The boys were surprised, they hadn’t even noticed your mangled knuckles and many shallow cuts, they were intent on making sure you were who you were supposed to be. Sam was chagrined, and even dean admitted he should have noticed how banged up you were.  
“What happened to you?”  
Sam asked as castiel approached you, you eyed him suspiciously, wondering what was coming.  
“I trashed Crowley’s pad and dealt with the guards he had on me. I was a bit upset.”  
You shot back mockingly. Sam and dean exchanged another silent look. Well that was going to get annoying fast.  
Castiel reached up and touched your forehead, you felt a rush of warmth sweep through you and all of your injuries stung briefly, you squeezed your eyes shut at the strange sensation and then it felt like they melted away.  
   You opened your eyes and looked down at your knuckles, clean and mended. You looked up at the angel, face softening just a mite. It was nice of him to fix you up, he didn’t have to. It had been a while since someone was just…nice. No agendas, just nice to be nice.   
“Thanks”  
you mutter begrudgingly, and lean your head back against the chair. You were exhausted but you knew they probably wanted to know more before they’d allow you to rest. You close your eyes anyway, just to rest your tired brain for a moment. And without knowing you retreated into unconsciousness, still bound to the chair.  
  
The three men stood looking at you, unsure what to make of this turn of events.  
“You think she’s really turning on Crowley?”  
Muttered dean, still suspicious but the evidence was mounting toward you telling the truth.  
Sam shrugged and replied quietly  
“you saw her face, she hasn’t told us everything, I’m sure of that. But whatever Crowley did…he really messed her up.”  
Castiel listened in silence to their murmured conversation, and then turned to look at you as you slept. Your face was not as haughty in sleep; instead of fiery you simply looked exhausted, used up. When he had healed you his grace had stitched your body, sweeping through you. He only wished he knew how to heal your deeper wounds as easily as he had your skin.   
Dean sighed, taking a swig of his beer and they all looked at you again for a long moment; finally Sam broke the silence  
“You think we should move her to a bed? Seems kind of messed up to leave her tied, she hasn’t tried anything.”  
After a brief argument, dean agreed to help move you, but they handcuffed your arms loosely to one of the bed posts to be safe. And with that the two men plopped down, sam on the couch, dean on the other bed. And castiel stood silently, keeping watch while his friends rested.  
  
The next day you awoke, bleary eyed, wondering why no one had woken you for breakfast. With the force of a bullet your brain caught up to the present. That’s right…you would never….  
you forcibly shut off your train of thought, you sat up, or rather tried to. You look to see you were sprawled on one of the motel’s dingy excuses for a bed. The reason you couldn’t rise was your hands were strapped to the bedpost, you noticed it was loose enough so you wouldn’t lose circulation. How sweet, didn’t know they cared. You thought dryly and instead turned onto your back to look around.  
  
You saw dean sprawled on the bed opposite you, snoring loudly. You heard movement in the bathroom and assumed that was moose. Damn, you were so use to Crowley’s pet names, but they probably wouldn’t appreciate the reminder, and neither did you honestly.   
a throat cleared and you were brought out of your troubled thoughts, the angel was standing awkwardly at the end of the bed, his expression was almost funny to watch, and you chuckled softly  
“Afraid I might hulk out feathers? Don’t worry, im locked up good and tight.”  
you shook the cuffs to emphasize your sarcasm, but he shook his head gently  
“I merely was curious if your rest had been satisfactory.”  
you looked at him as if he had two heads, was this some twisted good cop shtick? Sam emerged as you answered mockingly  
“yeah Castiel, its always been a fantasy to sleep in handcuffs with three guys in the room, just thought there’d be more nudity involved.”  
the blank look on his face was too much, you laughed loudly. He looked like a lost puppy, really it was borderline pathetic. Dean jerked awake and sam covered his mouth to muffle a chuckle. Dean looked around wondering what was so damn funny. Castiel looked at them as if to ask what he had done that was so humorous.  
“God you’re like a toddler it’s depressingly adorable.”  
your giggles petered out and you wiped your tears of mirth on your sleeve, dean groaned and rose to stumble to the bathroom, sam moved to undo your cuffs and move you back to the chair. You were compliant, and sank into a comfortable position; or at least as much as the cuffs would allow.  
You knew when dean returned you would find out whether they would accept your proposal, or put a bullet in your head.  
You figured either way it worked out. Either you got your revenge or you didn’t have to worry anymore.  
  
{Crowley}  
across the country, Crowley was still continuing his search for you, his war with the Winchesters not forgotten, but eclipsed by the King’s rage-filled obsession. He had already killed a healthy hand full of demonic staff who all said the same thing.   
  
They couldn’t find you.   
  
He knew if you had left, it was for good; probably using a ward or hex bag to cover your tracks. He had shown you had to make the damned things!  
You never did anything halfway, if you were in you were all in. If you were out…he punched a wall angrily…there was a way! And he would find it!    
they tried tracking your phone, but had been found in the ruins of the mansion.  
every method they came up with left him empty handed, and he was going mad, he knew he would have a full rebellion on his hands if he didn’t keep it under control. Slowly he pulled the calm façade that had served him so well through many centuries, and redirected his minions to better task; Locating Kevin and his half of the demon tablet. But discreetly he kept his best on the search for you, listening, questioning, he wouldn’t rest until they found you and he would make sure you never left his side again.  
Lucifer save any idiots who stood in his way.  
  
  
{you}  
  
You listened intently, eyes seeing nothing but the black beneath your blindfold. The boys had decided to take you to their secret base, or whatever the kids were calling it these days. They had blindfolded you tightly and kept you handcuffed. You felt a hand on your shoulder as you sat in the backseat; castiel had been left on prisoner guard duty. He was eerily silent when he moved; you guessed his hand was a polite way of letting you know where he was. After living among demons for so long, frankly his blind faith and puppy-dog mentality was borderline creepy.  
    Finally the car rumbled to a stop and cut off. You sat a little straighter and waited for them to let you out. Finally you felt someone reach to help guide you out and you just had to assume castiel followed. The guy was a damn ninja, put a damn bell on his belt or something. The mental image made you smirk as they led you to go knows where.  
   After a few minutes of being led you were guided into a chair. You felt them remove the handcuffs and put on something else. Manacles…really? Jesus did they bring you to a 14th century dungeon?  
You blinked in the dim light as the hood was removed from your eyes. You looked around and let out a disbelieving laugh. Holy shit it was really a dungeon! Chains embedded in the wall connected to your manacles, which you now noticed had warding magic. Huh looks like a dungeon for monsters…Or demons. You whistled, impressed. This would fit that asshole Crowley nicely…the image of him chained up was immensely satisfying.  
“Damn, you’ve got all the cool toys.”  
you remarked, as a hunter it was obviously a pretty handy tool. Hopefully they didn’t intend on keeping you here long. There didn’t seem to be much by way of comfort. Castiel stood rigidly by the doorway and the brothers stood in front of you. You looked up at them, managing to seem bored even while chained to a wall.  
“time to make yourself useful.”  
dean said, giving you a hard stare. You rolled your eyes at his attempt at being macho and rolled your shoulders, trying to loosen the kinked muscles.   
Flashing a smile you answered cheerfully,  
“ask away boys”


	4. Mind your own business

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You give the Winchesters good info, and in return are allowed to roam free, within reason.
> 
> Castiel plays chaperon, but gets a little too brave with his questions

They kept you locked up the first few days, Sam was the softy and brought you a campers cot to sleep on, and a cushioned chair for their periodic questionings; although you heard dean grumbling about how it would ‘serve you right’ to sleep on the floor after what you did. You sighed when you heard deans many grumbled protests to Sam’s kindness. You were a big believer in karma, and you kept your temper in check, barely. You had betrayed their trust and you knew you had to do whatever they wanted to earn their trust back; in the end it would be worth it. You couldn’t wait to see Crowley’s face when he finally realized where you had run off to, that you were spilling state secrets to the enemy.        
    Castiel came in from time to time with food or to check that you didn’t need something. It was weird at first, his persistent kindness, but considering it was him or captain sourpuss you slowly started to relax when he came around, talking about nothing in particular; making light small talk. It was nice in a weird normal way. Any conversations you had with the attendants at Crowley’s place were hostile and short. They had always resented their king making them serve a human, especially an ex-hunter.  
   You kept asking for details on the war with Crowley, what exactly was this fight about? However they were tight lipped, even Castiel clammed up and changed the subject. Obviously they weren’t going to share until you proved trustworthy.  
You started with names. Names of humans you knew were possessed by demons, names of places where they had bases, anything you had picked up from conversations you had taken part or overheard.   
You knew the boys would probably follow up and if it was true, kill them. Hopefully when they saw you were being forthcoming they would let you out. You were no longer chained by your wrists, just one around your ankle, too short to reach the door, but you could stretch your legs.  
  
Castiel had noticed your obvious boredom and procured a few books to keep you busy, you were halfway through a book on gardening when you heard the telltale signs of the door being slid back. Dean and Sam walked in, Sam was obviously cheerful whereas Dean looked begrudging.  
“Well the first list of names paid off, definitely demons and definitely dead.”  
Dean looked away and Sam reached down and unhooked your ankle chain. You raised an eyebrow  
“So you believe me?”  
You rose stiffly and tossed the book aside (you weren’t exactly the gardening type) hands instinctively resting on your hips. Dean scoffed  
“I’ll never make the mistake of trusting you again, but yeah you seem to be telling the truth.”  
You smile, not altogether kind  but not your usual sarcastic smirk either.   
“Does that mean I get to leave the dungeon Spartacus?”  
You ask, Sam nodded but put up a hand to show it wasn’t without conditions. Of course.  
“We’ll give you a room, but you are not to leave the bunker or go poking around in the library. And lastly, Castiel will stay close, just as a precaution at first”  
You sigh, what was their obsession with sticking you with that dense angel? Whatever if it got you out of here…  
“Done deal, how about the grand tour?”  
Dean stomped off, probably to drown his bitterness in whiskey, while Sam motioned for you to follow.  
He walked you through “the bunker” as he called it. It had a kitchen, dining room, library (you were only shown a closed door) , a small dojo, and a dozen other rooms. You forgot half of what you were shown but your eyes lit up and you hesitated at the door to the dojo. It had been so long since you had truly trained and you missed the burn in your muscles, the feeling of adrenaline. You would definitely spend a lot of time in here.  
Finally Sam stopped in front of a small bedroom, bare but for a bed, dresser, and night stand. You looked at him as if to say ‘why are we stopping here’ and he shrugged  
“I said we would give you a room, here it is.”  
You were already shaking your head. You had left your home behind, you had no interest in making this a home, plus why did you need a whole room when you only had the clothes on your back?  
“Ill take the couch or the floor, I don’t need a room.”  
Sam looked perplexed, you could almost feel his eyes probing your face for some kind of answer  
you looked away and muttered huskily  
“This is not home. This is business. I will help you until I have what I’m after, and then I’m gone.”  
You didn’t look at him; you knew the look he would have. He always was too kind, you didn’t want his pity. You flinched unintentionally at his soft reply, he seemed surprised to realize it himself,  
“You really loved him didn’t you?”  
Your face was the bitter mask again and you glared at the floor, eyes burning, turning to walk towards where (at least where you thought) the kitchen was.   
“Yeah, and now I’m paying for it.”  
Sam knew better than to press further he sighed and followed you. Dean had been very clear you weren’t to be left alone.  
  
  
{Castiel}  
  
Castiel frowned; he had been listening from around the corner. He hadn’t intended to eavesdrop but he had been curious when he walked in on you insisting on sleeping on the couch. The obvious pain masked in your voice was almost heart wrenching, it was obvious Sam held more compassion than dean when it came to your heart ache, but for Castiel it was something else. You had gone the same road as he had with Crowley, only you had fallen so much farther. It’s like you had shattered and only glued the pieces back together long enough to get your revenge on the demon king. You were so…breakable; as if the slightest touch could finish you off for good. You hid it well though, if his grace hadn’t felt the wounds so clearly it would be near impossible to see the festering pain beneath the sarcasm and snarky comebacks. He blinked and he was in the kitchen, Sam was leaning against the counter, Dean was sulking in his room and you were at the table, concentrating on eating a sandwich and refusing to look up even for his sudden entrance. Sam seemed relieved, obviously your mood hadn’t improved in the last few minutes, he gave Castiel a pleading glance, obviously hoping the angel would take over, castiel gave a silent nod and Sam flashed a relieved smile and wandered off.  
Castiel wasn’t sure exactly how to approach you so simply stood awkwardly to the side. Finally you finished and stood to sweep up the spare crumbs and dump them in the sink. You glanced balefully and rolled your eyes.  
“well I want to check out the dojo, I need to train, I assume you have to play chaperone so do what you want, but don’t get in my way.”  
You said matter-of-factly and strode off, Castiel wasn’t sure what to say, and so he simply followed behind you at a more human pace; wondering why you wanted to go to the dojo.  
  
  
{you}  
  
You look around the room, being careful not to look at the angel. He stood rigidly by the door and just watched; you groaned inwardly, it wasn’t going to be easy to deal with an angelic chaperone on the long term. You stood in front of the practice dummy for a moment, you wished you still had your favorite knife, but the boys had confiscated it for the time being. Instead you lowered back on the balls of your feet, taking a boxers stance, and worked to slow your breathing. You would have to work hard to retrain your softened muscles. Three years without fighting, only good food and better ways to exercise; time to test how well your muscle memory was.  
   Your fist flashed out without warning, a quick three-tap to the face and neck, you pull back, switching arms as the other lashes towards the chest and stomach. The unused muscles felt the slow building of endorphins as you continued your series of quick jabs back and forth.    
     A soft smile played on the edges of your lips as the minutes ticked into hours, you had long forgotten Castiel’s existence and were completely at focus.  It felt right, you were a fighter. No, better, you were a Hunter. It was time to forget about false promises and hopes of the future; this had always been your path and would always be.  You felt a presence behind you and, still in offensive mode, you turned deftly and lashed out; but your fist never reached its target.  
   Your mouth dropped, it was Castiel, and more than a little too close for comfort. He had caught your fist with his hand as if you were in slow motion, you were panting and your body was soaked in sweat but you glared defiantly.  
“You have something against personal space?”  
You mutter, jerking your fist from his grasp, he tilted his head and shook it, instead reaching out to offer you something in his other hand.  
It was a cold water bottle. You looked back at his face, half surprised, half suspicious.  
“You have been practicing for several hours, I know humans require sustenance”  
he motioned towards a collection of chairs and two sandwiches sat neatly on a plate. He had made you lunch? Your face softened some, and you gave him a tentative smile; it actually reached all the way to your eyes this time.  
“Thanks Fea…Castiel.”  
You replied haltingly, trying not to offend him by calling him “feathers” again. You took the water bottle and took a long drink, you had definitely needed the hydration.  
“You want half?”  
You asked and he smiled, it was odd, like the offer had made his whole fricken day or something.   
“Thank you but no, these are for you. I do not require food in the same way you do.”  
you shrugged, taking him at his word, and sprawled in one of the chairs to tear into the food. Castiel lowered himself into a chair opposite you and just watched you. It would have been weird but maybe it was an angel thing to be so in your face. You finished off the first sandwich and paused to digest; you looked over at him for a moment and finally asked  
“so what’s your part in all this?”  
Castiel looked thoughtful for a moment before replying  
“I am just helping in any way I can.”  
You thought for a long moment about how to word your next question but finally just ended up blurting it out  
“So when are you losers going to clue me in on what you guys are planning? I’m getting kind of sick of sitting on my thumbs with no information. I think I’ve proven whose side I’m on.”  
Castiel grimaced and looked away  
“Dean and Sam have asked that I keep you in the dark for the time being. They fear you will…”  
Your face hardened and you scoffed  
“Repeat old mistakes? Tsh, I don’t think any of you have room to talk considering…”  
you bit your lip and looked away, you had to keep a lid on your temper or they would never tell you what was going on! You wanted to yell how they had all damn near killed each other on more than one occasion, for far less noble reasons than you believed you had at the time!  
Castiel flinched as if he knew what venomous thoughts you were thinking and looked hard at your face for a long moment.  
“May I ask you a question?”  
He asked softly, his face was a mask and you were on your guard. You reached out to take the second sandwich and took a bite, thinking. A warning bell was going off, you were sure you didn’t want to answer whatever he asked. Finally you swallowed and answered   
“depends on the question”  
He sighed and seemed almost, nervous? What the hell makes an angel nervous?  
“When I healed you…I healed your physical wounds….but I sensed…more serious wounds within…”  
Your eyes flashed dangerously and he stopped, you planted your feet and leaned over so your face was inches from his. The look in your eyes should probably have been able to melt his innards it was so full of spite, your face twisted with suppressed rage and…though you’d never admit it, anguish.  
“Keep your freaky angel radar to yourself Feathers.”  
His face twitched at the hatred but he didn’t back down, more like he was withstanding your anger patiently. It only made it worse. Who was he to see into your inner pain and worse…to act like he cared? It was none of his goddamn business!  
“My pain is mine and mine alone!”  
You all but shouted, and it surprised you. You took a deep breath, your eyes burning again. Damn him to hell, with his puppy dog eyes and being so damn nice all the time.   
“I don’t need your pity.”  
Your tone was disgusted, though with him or yourself you couldn’t quite say. Your appetite gone, you tossed the remains of the sandwich on the plate and stood firmly. He moved to follow suite but you stopped him with a look.  
“Leave me alone. “  
and you stomped off to…god anywhere else.   
  
Castiel watched you go, regretting his presumption in voicing his concerns for you. You had looked ready to stab him, but behind it, you just looked like you wanted to cry.  He wished he understood humans better, all of this was so confusing to him. Maybe he would go ask Sam, maybe he would know how best to make you smile.  
Castiel smiled then, remembering how gently you had looked at him when he had made lunch. You had still had that haunted look in your eye, but the smile had been a real one. He wanted you to have more of those, instead of the sarcastic smirks, or the more frequent pained frowns.   
   It was odd for him to feel so concerned, especially over some woman he knew next to nothing about. Maybe it was just the familiarity of the choices you both had made, but it felt like he could fix a small piece of what he had broken if he could figure out a way to put your pieces back together.  
Maybe if he could fix you, he would be one step closer to fixing himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I realized while writing this chapter i never gave clear clues as to when this story takes place in the arc. This takes place after the first trial, while Kevin is at Garth's decoding the second trial!
> 
> all comments and CONSTRUCTIVE criticisms welcome!


	5. Painful Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You finally learn the boy's plan and Castiel gets more than he bargained for.

You stomped into the kitchen, dean was eating a sandwich and drinking his customary beer and glared as you invaded his space  
“where’s the fire she-witch?”  
But you didn’t even acknowledge him as you ripped open the refrigerator and shoved the beer aside; reaching for the half gone bottle of whiskey.   
  You whipped around and grabbed a large shot glass then, instead of storming off like dean expected, you roughly pulled out the chair opposite him and sat down. The snarky remark he had planned froze on his tongue. He had made no secret of his mistrust and almost hatred for you, so for you to willingly pick his company…  
  
He paused when he noticed your hand shaking as you quickly poured an overlarge shot and downed it in one gulp. Then immediately you moved to pour your second.  
   He grimaced, he knew better than most why someone would act like that, and use alcohol like medicine. His resolve to hate you shook, and he sighed, opening his mouth to ask what had happened; but before he could you held up your hand to stop him.  
“If you aren’t going to insult me don’t bother. I can’t take any more self righteous pity today.”  
  
Dean chuckled; almost relieved you had spared him the awkward ‘what’s the matter’ speech. Sam was a natural with people, but dean? He was more comfortable killing things. He knew you were the same way; it’s why your betrayal had hurt him so deeply. He would rather die than admit it, but he always admired you; your skill and level headedness, you had a scary temper, but generally you were calm and often sarcastic; just like dean himself. You were, for lack of a better phrase, a kindred spirit.  
   You were on your third shot and, with a skeptical look, offered him the bottle before taking the drink. Dean shrugged, you were working together again, (and for the moment he didn’t hate your guts) so why not? He rose to grab another glass before sitting back down and pouring his own.  
You looked at each other for a minute and there was this strange truce, you knew he had been hurt the worst when you chose Crowley, and he knew you wish with all your heart you’d never met the bastard.  
You cleared your throat and looked away, and he smiled, it’s something you did often when you were choking down feelings.   
“To…”  
you started, pausing to think but dean clinked his glass against yours and finished your thought instead  
“To the end of all Demons.”  
He said, and smirked as he downed his shot. Your jaw dropped as his eyes danced, enjoying your confusion. You leaned forward and he did the same,   
“what did you say?”  
You asked, mystified, and he smiled.   
“You wanted to know what we’ve been up to? “  
You nodded mutely, hand still holding your glass up; forgotten. Dean looked around conspiratorially and whispered  
“We are going to close the gates of hell; for good.”  
You slumped back in your seat, shock and adrenaline in your veins. Shaking your head as you tried to make sense of something so immense you downed your shot. You stared at dean dumbly for a minute, trying to form words. But all you can manage to say is  
“Crowley…will rot in hell…forever?”  
Dean nodded and you just started laughing; hysterical, sarcastic, heart wrenching laughter. Dean joined in and together you laughed, laughed at the pain, the blood, the past and the future. You laughed to keep from crying.  
  
Dean wandered off to confer with Sam after his world changing revelation; so they could talk and fill you in fully together, and you lay across one of the leather couches, feeling the soothing coolness on your fevered flesh.  
You would have your revenge, but it hurt as much as it pleased you. Hate is a powerful and passionate emotion. You don’t hate someone, unless there’s an equally powerful love behind it. Crowley had been the love of your life, despite the wrongness of it, and you were so hurt by how he had treated you it warped everything. Closing the gates of hell…that was permanent and unchanging, Crowley would be gone…Forever.   
  You felt a prickling of satisfaction at the thought, but mostly you just felt hollow, and lost. What was right had blurred a long time ago, and you had no surety anymore. It was the greatest gift Gordon had ever given you; to be absolutely sure that you were doing the right thing.   
  
‘ _If you are not willing to die for your choice, it’s the wrong choice’_   
  
he had said. He had lived and died by that principle, and you thought you now understood why he avoided relationships and friends. People are so complicated and they breed chaos. Hunting was pure and sure, you missed the simplicity of your old hunter’s life. To help the Winchesters…losing Crowley felt like dying even when you hated him so. If you were to do it…there was no going back, you would be well and truly alone.  
  With your whirlwind thoughts racing through your brain, finally you just gave in and closed your eyes, retreating into sweet unconsciousness, and praying for better dreams.  
  


{Castiel}  


    Walking through the hallway he was on his way to speak to Sam when he heard a soft whimper, changing direction he entered the kitchen and looked around; confused. Until he heard a soft voice, he hadn’t recognized it at first because it wasn’t as harsh or scathing as usual. Instead, your voice was a pleading whisper  
“Come back.”  
He ghosted to the living room and saw you lying on the couch, face scrunched as if truly begging, but he knew you were dreaming. From the agony in every line of your body it was not a good dream, he was torn. He wasn’t sure how to help, or even if you would allow it, but he couldn’t walk away. It was like you were inevitable, something he had the uncontrollable urge to knit back together; like somehow you would lead him to where he needed to be.   
   He knelt beside you, hands hovering uncertainly above you. You were lying on your back, hands clenched into fists as if to lash out at invisible enemies but before he had a chance to act he was startled into immobility; as tears began to stream down your trembling face.  
   He had seen the repressed pain; even through your anger it was there, the crushing weight he had sensed in your soul. Not once had you allowed yourself the release of tears; but in sleep it seemed your pain was too much for even you to bear silently. Again he found himself frustrated by his limited understanding. Not only of humans in general but you, and what had happened to bring you here, so broken and full of hate.   
   Without realizing it he leaned closer, studying your face and the pain it held at bay. Gingerly he reached to wipe away the tears, even though they still kept coming, and let out a soft noise of shock as your face turned searchingly to nestle in his palm. Searching for the comfort you couldn’t find in the waking world. His body shifted automatically to sit beside you on the couch, his side pressed against yours. You were warm, which shouldn’t have caught him off guard but it did, under all the icy words and cold glances, you were still so warm.   
    He couldn’t understand how such a frustratingly stubborn, fragile, brilliant woman had come to be a demons bedfellow. He was becoming used to feeling lost, since joining the Winchesters he always felt like he was a little out of his depth among all these humans; and somehow you managed to make him feel not lost, but overwhelmed.

 Overwhelmed by almost instinctual feelings   
Feelings of concern and curiosity  
Feelings of confusion and protectiveness  
  
Angels were such sure beings. They derive peace in the surety of their purpose and position. Since ending the apocalypse he had to reason so much more and peace always seemed distant in the constant turmoil he and the boys lived in. You were like a beacon in the dark, a tempting mystery, full of the possibility of salvation, or damnation.  
  
  
You fidgeted restlessly and he was pulled from his whirlwind thoughts, again his hands reached out without thought and his fingers brushed against your cheek, he felt his pulse quicken as your reacted with a soft sleepy smile, nuzzling against his warmth in your sleep. Castiel called your name in a gruff whisper, a soft blush exposing his nervous state. You murmured something inaudibly and he hesitantly leaned his ear close to your lips, shifting slightly as he felt your light breathe brush his cheek.  
  
“What did you say?”  
  
he questioned softly, unsure if you were awake or asleep, you breathed softly and your murmur sent a tremor of shock through the angel’s vessel  
“I…love you…”  
  
he was shocked immobile at the utterance, not sure what to make of it, before he could stammer a reply your voice ghosted in his ear and this time his immobility was not from nerves. Ice, for reasons he could not understand, froze his blood as you continued in a heartbreaking murmur,   tears reigniting on your cheeks  
  
“Crowley…”  
  


 

{You}  


A moment later you jerked awake, a sob wrenched from your chest as a rush of air hit your cheeks, but it was so light, it could have been the afterimage of the dream. You gasped softly when you realized the vivid images had been only dreams. They weren’t real, and never would be.  
Immediately you straightened, grabbing hold of your rampant emotions before you fell further into despair. Looking around you saw you were alone, thank goodness, couldn’t let those toddlers see you like this. Quickly you sniffed back the sob that threatened to emerge, wiping the tears away hastily on your sleeve. After a moment of determined deep breathes you felt the steely wall inside you settle and you were in control again. You moved to stand but stopped when your fingers landed on something soft, looking down you see a single raven haired feather resting beside you.   
   You were surprised and reached to pick it up, unsure where it had come from. It was bristly but soft, like sewn silk. You murmured a soft noise of wondering approval and reached up to grasp the chain you usually had around your neck, an old habit when thinking. Your fingers brushed only skin and you remembered leaving the necklace behind. After another deep stab in your gut you regarded the feather. Maybe you would make a new necklace, something to bring good dreams. Didn’t dream catchers use feathers to keep bad dreams at bay?   
  With that you tucked the feather gently away, and rose to see where the boys and their pet angel had run off to.  
  
 It was time to get down to business.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would love to hear any critiques or suggestions! and don't forget to subscribe so you can catch all the new chapters and check out my other stories!


	6. Surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You are finally free to return to hunting, but what happens after you come back and the second trial looms?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little castiel time and a suprise guest ;)

Two months had gone by since you were finally brought into the master plan. You had yet to meet their little prophet but they checked in on him regularly and since you were a fully fledged member of their little resistance you were finally allowed free reign, with the one exception of meeting their pet.  Dean even gave you your weapons back and it was a great comfort not to feel so naked. He kept asking where you had gotten the angel blade but you kept telling him the same thing  
  
you don’t want to know  
       
You decided to go back to hunting and took to it like the last three year hiatus never happened.   
 You acquired a beautiful older mustang with some of the profits from the things you had sold off from the mansion. Dean drooled like a schoolboy when you had shown it off, although he insisted his “baby” could wipe the floor with yours in a real race. He had yet to sack up and take you on though, which was a little satisfying.   
    There was one major difference though, you now hunted only demons; and since you were hell’s most wanted (as far as you knew) you had to play it smart.   
     You dyed your hair, adding a bright blue rebel streak; primarily because Crowley loathed the color, but also because it felt freeing to be so bold while hunting down every minion he had.  
   You took to wearing a mask similar to the ones bikers wear; it covered your face well but didn’t restrict movement or visibility; and you painted it with a bright blue lipstick mark; because any demons who got close enough to see it could kiss their ass goodbye.  You were the cold wind that would put out the fires of hell, for good.  
     You saved many who were possessed, but a few times the demons would see your face in the midst of a fight and you had no choice; before they could smoke out and warn Crowley you had to kill them…along with their host. It was painful, but necessary.  
     The boys kept you updated but by and large unless they needed you they left you be. You crashed at the bunker when you weren’t on a case, still refusing their offers of more permanent lodgings but taking one of the overstuffed couches or chairs.  
  Once in a while Castiel chose, for unknown reasons, to check in or even accompany you on your forays. It was a combination of pleasant and awkward, you used to voice your protests to his interferences but had given up. Hell it was even nice once in a while, though you’d bite off your tongue before admitting it.  
    Currently you were driving back to the bunker after killing a nest of hell spawn a few states over, castiel sat in the passenger’s seat, twisting the radio dial experimentally.   
   You glanced over and smirked softly, sometimes he acted like such a child, fascinated with one human thing or another, and it was kind of funny to watch. He finally settled for a soft ballad and simply sat rigidly, listening. Love songs weren’t really your thing, in fact it made the jagged hole of the past throb painfully but for all you showed, it was your favorite. Guess it pays to be the protégé of the hardest son of a bitch in the business; it was second nature to shut away all the bad thoughts and painful memories. Once in a while you would succumb, usually in dreams, and you would wake crying silently. You gingerly took your hand off the wheel to gently stroke the jet black feather you always wore now. You had woven a leather thong to hold it, and you smiled softly. It felt like a good luck charm, and you had taken to touching it when you felt the pain surface, it helped ground you; same as the necklace you had used to wear but left behind.  
   You looked over curiously as castiel swiftly reached to switch the station to some mindless rock song without saying a word.  
“Didn’t like it?”  
You asked; he often did things that made you curious; he was a hard guy to read…maybe it was an angel thing. Castiel shook his head and look into your eyes then swiftly away  
“I have no preference to it.”  
He answered in his gruff way and you chuckled  
“Then why change it?”  
Even after months in their company, Castiel was so hard to unravel. You knew next to nothing about the guy and getting a real answer out of the bastard was harder than putting down a vampire nest!  
  You glanced away from the road and saw the angel shift slightly, you waited for a long moment and he answered quietly  
“You do not enjoy it.”  
  You hit the brakes a little harder than necessary at the red light, waiting to merge onto the freeway. It was late and you were the only car out. You looked at him in confusion, again reaching to stroke your feather.  It looked like his lips twitched into a smile at your motion but it was too feint to be sure.   
“How do you figure?”  
You asked; voice just a bit strangled. He was right, but it shook you that he had somehow seen past your perfect defense to realize it. Maybe he was more observant than you gave credit for. The only time you openly changed the station or reacted at all was when you were alone and free of witnesses.  
He shrugged lightly   
“It is not hard to see, when you know where to look.”  
He turned and you forgot to go as the light turned green. He looked you directly in the eyes (which he rarely did) and the electric blue orbs trapped you for a moment. He reached out slowly to touch his finger to your feather. His finger brushed yours accidently and it felt like the sting of static electricity.   
   You gasped softly and once again he was sitting rigidly, looking out the window, hands in his lap. You took a shaky breath and pressed down on the gas, looking at the road that was illuminated by your headlights.   
“…..”  
You opened your mouth to speak a dozen times over the next hour but couldn’t think what to say, the incident had left a warning buzz in the pit of your stomach. You felt unsettled and just wanted to get back to the bunker and unwind in private. Obviously all this time in the car and getting back in the hunting groove was making you stir crazy. He had told you before he had some weirdo angel sixth sense, why should you let him get to you?  
Finally you couldn’t take the tense silence,   
“Hey Castiel?”  
He turned to regard you and you continued smoothly  
“I’m going to be driving for at least a day to get back, why don’t you pop back and see how the boys are doing. I promise Ill holler if I find any good marks. I know you hate how slow cars are.”  
Castiel seemed to think and for a moment you thought he would refuse, though you couldn’t think why he would. Finally he answered  
“As you wish. ..”  
He turned and then swiftly turned back to look into your face   
“Don’t do anything…rash.”  
He murmured and with a gentle breeze he was gone. You shook your head and said aloud  
“No faith feathers, I should be insulted.”  
You chuckled lightly but slowly your smile faded. It wasn’t easy keeping up these walls, you felt drained and it was nice to succumb to the dark feelings for just a moment. Though it made you feel like a moody teenager, it was nice to not have to pretend once in a wild.   
“I wish this would just hurry up and be over.”  
You muttered darkly, and unable to stomach any more music switched the radio off and unrolled the windows, sighing as the cool night air soothed your heated face and the sounds of the dark floated by.  
“Hurry up kid”  
you whispered, silently urging Kevin to somehow figure out these trials faster. It was the waiting that put you on edge mostly; patience was never your strong suit.  


 

  
{Castiel}  
  Castiel sat in the back seat, invisible to you as you let the window down. He often studied you while you were less than aware, trying to learn more. It’s how he figured out your habit of touching your necklace when you were hiding your true feelings; like you were reassuring yourself. He smiled softly thinking of the necklace, it was confusing but the thought that you took his feather and wore it with you always was pleasing. Even though you didn’t know it was an angel feather it didn’t matter. It had also saved your life, by keeping something that was essentially imbued with his grace it kept a sort of link, so he could make sure you didn’t overdo it. A few times without you knowing he had picked off stragglers or prevented an informing demon from reaching Crowley.   
   He thought back to his conversation with Sam the day you had yelled at him, and sighed silently.  
Sam had chuckled when Castiel had come to him; he wanted to know the best way to go about building trust with you…Or at least make you hate him a little less. Sam had thought for a long moment before finally offering his advice  
  “Well she is a complete ice queen, and she doesn’t open up. So…I would say find a way to get to know her. If Crowley can find a chink in her armor…you should have at least half a chance.”  
  Sam’s expression didn’t seem as confident as his words when it came to winning you over, but you had allowed to him to tag along a few times since then and smiled more real smiles. He would take what he could get, even though as soon as you thought you were alone you seemed to shrink. So much pain still hidden away from prying eyes, but he had a feeling if he could just get you to open up, new worlds would be revealed for you both.   
  


{You}  


  You looked at the brothers like they were imbeciles. Had they lost what little brains they had?  
“You want to…break…into HELL?”  
You asked again incredulously. Dean shook his head, obviously not liking it, and Sam just nodded determinedly. Now that you knew about how heavy a burden Sam carried with these ‘trials’ it explained all the winces and small ticks that clued you to his slowly deteriorating state.  
“How the hell do we do that?”  
You asked, exasperated. You had driven pretty much nonstop for two days, sleeping in your car a few hours here or there so you were not in the best of moods; and being assaulted the moment you walked into the bunker with an arguing pair of man-boys, a silent angel and a strange Asian kid who looked about ready to collapse wasn’t helping.  
Dean smirked and pointed towards the hall; but the only thing down that particular hallway….was the dungeon you had once been held in. You looked back at dean  
“who?”  
Your chest felt constricted, and Sam touched your shoulder gently. For once, you didn’t shake of the gesture  
“Crossroads demon, we have him locked up, but he isn’t talking; too afraid of Crowley.”  
You didn’t let him finish, you knew all the crossroads demons, comes with the territory when you’re with Crowley. Dean shouted for you to wait but you ignored him, you needed to see...  
You slammed the door back and saw a tall black man, riddled with scratches. He looked up and his eyes widened, you knew why. If he would send anyone on your trail it would be Hayes. You smirked and strolled in, chuckling softly  
“Well Hayes, surprised you were the catch of the day…Thought you were better than that.”  
He cackled, jerking against the chains  
“You are good girl, I'll give you that. Never thought to look with the trash. So you’re the Blue Devil that’s been picking us off.”  
He motioned to your new look and you smiled darkly, reaching back you pulled yourself up so you were sitting on the table a few feet away from your old comrade.   
In a sick way it was good to see the bastard, he was one of the few who had served you without the obvious hatred. He was intensely loyal to Crowley, so you had always had at least that much in common.  
He sat back to look you over, and you did the same, finally you couldn’t take it. You had to know; no matter how badly it hurt.  
“Was it bad?”  
Hayes grimaced and looked into your eyes, his flashing to dark black for a moment  
“He hides it from the masses, but he has had me searching from the moment you left. ”  
  
  
you grimaced and looked away, trying to control the ache in your breast and burning in your eyes.   
“You know what we want to know hayes. Is there a way?”  
he laughed mockingly, shaking his head  
“You know I can’t, Crowley is not forgiving. _**You**_ know that.”  
You flinched unintentionally and Hayes gave you a knowing look. You knew you would have to break him, and he knew you drove no pleasure in it. This was business, and now it was time to see who came out on top.  
    Dean and Sam came in then and you rose from your seat so they could spread a plethora of evil looking tools behind you, but you wouldn’t need them. You reached to your back and pulled a long silver knife and a flask of liquid from your pouch, Hayes watched passively as you poured the holy water over your angel blade. The blade he had given you in case the demons in your circle attacked you, because he had been as much a friend to you as a demon could be to a human.  
   He closed his eyes and sat straight and proud, waiting. Dean repeatedly asked while you started in.   
“How do we break into hell, tell us and itll all be over.”  
He was strong, but it wasn’t long before the screams started.  



	7. Going Rogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hayes spills and you repay your debt to him. The second task begins...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is kind of short but its leading up to an AMAZING next chapter where Crowley makes his appearance ;) so let me know what you think or what you want to see! next chapter will be posted later tonight or tomorrow!

It was hours later, and Hayes was a bloody mess, regularly washed clean with burning doses of Holy water. His screams were haunting but your face was ice cold. There was no space for pity, you had chosen your side, and no matter the past Hayes was a demon. You knew he planned to tell you, but he was punishing himself. He would be betraying Crowley, in many ways you could empathize with his situation. Selling your soul, and paying the price in blood.  After half the night finally he called a halt to your assault, Sam was panting, but Dean’s eyes were hard as he faced the demon.  
“Speak scum.”  
Dean commanded and after a few gasping breathes he did.  
“Th-There is a way…”  
He turned away from Dean to search out your face, you knelt beside him and he smirked, a trickle of blood running down his chin.  
“R-Rogue –cough cough- Reaper. You need one to ferry you through. “  
Your mouth dropped, Dean met your confused gaze and shrugged  
“Where do we find one Hayes?”  
you asked, too sick to your stomach to beat around the bush. He wasn’t lying, but you didn’t know rogue reapers even existed. Hayes leaned to your ear and whispered the information, ending with a simple  
“now…my payment.”  
You nodded and stood, eyes burning into his and you gave a soft salute. He nodded gently, but Dean started speaking  
“I have a mind to keep you locked here til the gates are shut, and let you get stuck with your boss on the other side. How do you think he’ll –“  
You didn’t give Dean a chance to finish his taunt, you flipped the blood-soaked Angel Blade in your hand and lunged, piercing his chest. With a bright flash and loud shout…Hayes died.  
Sam and Dean looked at you incredulously,   
“What the hell was that?! Huh?!”  
shouted Dean but you just turned and wiped your blade clean; pocketing your flask and turned to look Dean straight in the eye, his angry gaze faltered at whatever expression you wore.  
“I owed him.”  
You flipped your blade and tucked it away in your belt; turning away you threw over your shoulder  
“Now we’re even. Let’s go get our reaper.”  
The boys exchanged a loaded glance; they just had to hope you weren’t going native again. Though Dean had to admit he was surprised you had taken over the interrogation. He wasn’t sure how, but you had known black eyes and still gone through with it. Little by little, against his better judgement, he was starting to trust you again. Shouting to Castiel and Kevin they hurried to follow you out into the night, Castiel popping silently into your passenger seat as the boys followed you in their car.  
   “Ajay, east 32nd street: here we come.”  
You stomped on the gas and flew down the road, towards your rogue reaper and that much closer to the completion of the second trial. Castiel watched silently, waiting to see what came next.  
  
  
{12 hours later}

 

You walked casually, dean and Sam spanned a few steps behind, and you assumed Castiel was playing look-out close by. You scanned the street, it was a not-so-great neighborhood and there weren’t too many people out. Better for you, you wore your mask to be safe but there was no telling how extensive Crowley’s Intel was. Finally you came up behind a rather average looking middle eastern man standing next to a cab, he turned before you could speak, taking in Sam and dean he nodded knowingly.  
“You contacted me.”  
It wasn’t a question but you nodded anyway, Dean and Sam came to stand beside you, it was Dean that spoke  
“We need back door access to Hell, heard you could help us out.”  
Ajay scoffed but didn’t seem put off, he looked around and spoke quickly  
“I can do this, but it will cost you.”  
it was your turn to scoff, whatever price be it money or things even more valuable, you were sure each of you would gladly pay. Before you could ask anything Ajay continued  
“The price I will come to collect another day. Who will make the journey?”  
 Dean immediately volunteered, and Sam immediately shot him down. Their prudence was obvious, though he wouldn’t explain how he found out; Dean had discovered that the soul Sam had to save was Bobby Singer’s. While you barely knew the man, he was like a father to the dweebs so their argument immediately turned heated.  
    You had intended to insist on accompanying Sam but for some reason you couldn’t make your mouth open. After all the hell you’d been through…you were freezing at the thought of seeing the real thing? Positively shameful, but it didn’t change the tremor that rocked your hands. You couldn’t face possibly seeing him. It was too much. You reached to stroke your feather but without meaning to you grasped it tightly, mangling the pristine silken plumes with a death-like grip. You slowly felt a reassuring warmth seep through you, maybe it really was like a dream catcher; bleeding away all the ugliness and leaving you clean again. As the peace settled in your chest you turned your attention back to the conversation at hand.   
  While you were prisoner to your thoughts the decision was made, Sam would go alone. Dean did not look happy but he was listening intently as Ajay pulled Sam with him.  
“Come back exactly 24 hours from now. I will return him to you.”  
Being the “what if” girl you were you asked sarcastically  
“What if we’re late?”  
Ajay looked grave as he turned toward an alley and led Sam away. His harsh voice floated back as you and dean watched Sam walk away.   
“Don’t be late.”


	8. Feelings in the Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam is on his own, while you Castiel and Dean deal with the wait until he returns. How much could things change in 24 hours?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more castiel coming next chapter and after that its round one of castiel Vs Crowley!

{23 hours and 30 minutes until Sam’s return}  


You walked silently next to the agitated older Winchester; you were heading towards a motel just up the street to wait out the excruciating day until you could retrieve Sam. Only made excruciating by the fact that Dean was sure to be unbearable with his younger brother in such danger. Castiel had not reappeared yet but you assumed he would pull his angelic reappear once you were in the room.  
   You engaged the smelly man who ran the desk and, though you asked for two separate rooms, all they had was two beds in one. Well, work with what you can get, you paid the man and positively dragged Dean up the three flights of stairs. _Room 4B feathers_   you thought silently, just in case Castiel needed to know before zapping in.  
    You sagged onto the edge of one of the beds, dropping the gear and rolling your sore shoulders. You looked up and an annoyed tic ran across your face, Dean was currently pacing around the room; picking things up then setting them back down, looking out the window every few minutes. Finally after watching his spastic episode for almost 20 minutes you stood and refused to let him walk past you. His brain seemed to surface and he glared irritably  
“Move.”  
You stuck your hip out, a sure sign to tread carefully. You hadn’t slept since long before you returned to the bunker, your energy and patience was long gone.  
“Ransacking the place while you worry isn’t helping. Get some rest or go drink yourself into a stupor and get some tail. We will be there early and everything will be fine. _Chill out_.”  
He looked as if he was about to start on you but seeing your rigid features seemed to make him think better of it. He grumpily grabbed his leather jacket and you graciously moved. He stomped towards the door and you called sarcastically to his back  
“Don’t get lost now.”  
He halted, as if he was going to turn and rip into you, but after a moment’s indecision he continued out the door and slammed it shut. You let out a long sigh and fell back onto the bed you had recently vacated. This was getting to be a lot more work on your nerves; though your body was certainly protesting too. You reached up to rub your shoulders lightly, trying to work out the knots in your overused muscles. You thought for a moment then reached in to sift through the pack until you found your spare clothes. Slowly forcing your tired body to move you headed towards the bathroom; a hot shower and a few hours sleep is just what the doctor ordered.  
  
  
  
{Castiel }  


Castiel had watched from the rooftops as Sam was led away by the reaper. He could sense the creeping weakness in Sam and it made him nervous. He shadowed you and Dean as you made your way to the motel but hung back from joining you just yet. This plan had him on edge, there were a lot of ways for things to go wrong, but he had to put faith in Sam; he would complete the trial and then there was only one obstacle left. He stood on the edge of the motel’s roof, keeping an eye out for danger or hints that Crowley knew where and what you were doing. After some time passed he heard a slam and looked down to see Dean stomping out of the motel; looking around he then headed towards a bar a few buildings over. Castiel didn’t move to join him; he knew Dean would not want his company right now.  Instead his thoughts moved back to you, it probably wasn’t safe to have you alone when Crowley was so keenly searching. He had heard the whispered conversation between you and the demon you had called Hayes; how Crowley was still searching even months later, and had been searching from the moment you left. Maybe you were the key to Crowley; he wasn’t sure what to make of the relationship. Crowley probably just didn’t like being humiliated; after all demons didn’t feel for humans the way…  
  
he stopped his thought forcibly, like what? Like angels? He frowned and walked back along the edge of the building some; was that what these odd thoughts and whims came from? Feelings for you?  
What could he possibly feel towards a woman who he barely knew, who had belonged to his worst enemy? Castiel didn’t want to think anymore, what he did want…was to check on you.  
He sighed in defeat and in the blink of an eye stood in the center of the motel room, he gazed around and realized you were nowhere in sight. The pack was at the foot of one bed but other than that the room was silent, and empty. He felt the creeping of alarm and he looked around, had you snuck out somehow? Or had the demons found you? He didn’t smell any sulfer but…  
  
he stopped as a door he hadn’t noticed opened and breathed a sigh of relief as you walked out. His sigh stopped in surprise as he realized where you had been; with nothing but a towel wrapped around you it was obvious you had taken a shower. You smiled gently as you noticed him, seeming perfectly at ease as you walked out with your wet hair sticking to your exposed neck. He about-faced to stare at the beds, muttering in his gruff way  
“I…apologize. I was unaware you were…”  
he wasn’t sure how to finish but your face popped up in front of his and your eyes were mischievous as you finished for him  
“…naked?”  
He took a step backwards and nodded silently; you laughed softly and turned to toss your dirty clothes in a pile next to the bed. You rolled your eyes, but you were smiling so he assumed you were not angry at his intrusion. You motioned to the small two-person table in the corner  
“if you wanna take a load off I’ll just be a minute, I was changing when I heard you; wanted to check before I got caught with my pants down.”  
You smirked at your joke and he felt his own lips twitch. He acquiesced and moved to sit in one of the chairs, though he had no need of rest, and replied cheekily  
“You would rather fight in a towel than in clothes?”  
You turned to give him a long look, before moving closer. He shifted nervously as you moved so you leaned over and your face was much too close. You’re eyes were knowing as he felt heat rise in his vessel and tried to avert his eyes respectfully.  
“I like to do a lot of things naked Castiel. Maybe I’ll show you sometime.”  
You turned swiftly and went back to the bathroom, closing the door behind you with a wink in his direction.    
Castiel felt odd stirrings, like when he had discovered the pizza man. He looked towards the bathroom with something akin to wonder in his eyes. You had been “messing with” him as dean would say; or at least Castiel thought you were, but the heat was still pulsing through him and he thought he may need to get some…perspective. He gathered his grace and focused, and in the next instant, he disappeared.  


 

{You}  
  
After changing you tried your hair with the towel and flung it over the towel rack to dry. You grabbed a hair-tie and brought your hair up in a loose pony tail, but stopped as you stepped into the other room. Castiel was gone, and you couldn’t help but smirk; maybe you had got him too hot and bothered and he had to go take care of business. The thought was amusing and you shook your head, chuckling as you moved towards the bed. Grabbing your phone you set an alarm for 10 hours from now and made sure the volume was all the way up. Setting it next to your head on the night stand you lay back against the lumpy pillows. The bed was by no means nice but after almost two days solid without sleep, and only an hour here or there before that, it was heaven. Normally you could trust your body to wake up on time, but you were taking no chances this time. Looking around the room once more you reached up and realized you had forgotten your necklace. Leaning over you swiped it off the pack where you had set it so it didn’t get wet in the shower. You frowned as you took in the damaged plumage, when you had grabbed it in your panic it had been mangled. You couldn’t describe why it upset you, but the little feather brought you a sense of solace you hadn’t felt in a long time, gently you re-clipped it around your neck and lay back, stroking it fondly as you close your eyes.  
“I didn’t mean…to hurt you…”  
You said sleepily, speaking to the feather; somehow it felt like it had a life of its own. Or maybe that was your imagination running wild, but it felt like you had hurt not a stupid feather, but a protective talisman. You were just praying it would keep the nightmares at bay again, especially if you were sharing a room with Castiel and the man-child.  You couldn’t handle the humiliation if they realized how damaged you really were…how vunerable.  
   and that was the last thought you had before falling into an exhausted slumber.   
  
     You didn’t notice as Castiel reappeared at the edge of your bed. Once again he smiled as you held his feather jealously, but he saw the plumes were damaged and frowned. To grasp it so tightly…meant you had fought off a particularly dreadful feeling. Slowly he flexed his shoulders and his raven wings spread behind him; tucked back in the cramped room. Gingerly he reached up and winced as he plucked one from his left wing and walked to stand next to you. Your face was scrunched but not as badly as the first time he saw your sleeping face, gently he took your hand from the feather and surprise once again lit his face. Before he could move your fingers had wrapped around his tightly and you smiled slightly in your sleep; how did you manage to confound him even in sleep? He flexed his shoulders again and his wings blinked back into hiding. Without thinking he leaned closer, studying your face, it was the first time he had seen you look so…peaceful. He moved his other hand that held the new feather and held it against your necklace for a moment; focusing his grace. A soft light illuminated you both and as it faded he held the mangled feather and the new feather hung at your neck, and it was his turn to smile.  
    He watched you for a few moments, enjoying a quiet moment, but then a crazy whim passed through his mind. He was relatively sure he was going insane, but you had stirred foreign thoughts and feelings from the moment you had entered his life, and even more so this evening. Thinking it over he realized every time he thought he was right and pushed through…it didn’t end well. Maybe if he allowed himself to be led for once…  
  Slowly, cautiously, he leaned closer, watching for any signs that would make him rethink his dangerous idea, but you slept on; hand in his and face peaceful.  
He came within inches…but something was off. It didn’t feel right; like it was the right idea, but wrong time. so instead, he moved back and sat beside you on the bed, watching as you slept. Your grip did not lesson on his hand so he waited, watching, and wondering where this was leading him to.  



	9. Wings and Waterworks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel decides to take the reigns, with unexpected consequences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be round one of Crowley vs. Castiel. who will win?!  
> would love to hear feedback and requests!!  
> will be withholding the chapter until I know you guys are drooling for it ;) stay tuned and dont forget to bookmark!

{15 hours until Sam’s return}  
  
 You woke slowly, you didn’t open your eyes but simply allowed your body to take its time. Your ears seemed to open as small sounds permeated your sleepy brain and built a picture behind your closed eyes. The soft snoring to your left had to be Dean; at least he hadn’t wandered off. A soft dripping said you had forgotten to turn the faucet off all the way. Next came feeling; your left arm was tingling with pins and needles, probably slept on it, but your other hand felt stiff as if you hadn’t moved it all night; you moved your fingers to stretch them out, but to your surprise, they were already occupied. Your eyes flew open and you looked up and met a familiar pair of electric blue eyes. He seemed unsure what to do, so he simply stayed still and awaited your reaction. You didn’t move for a moment, simply glancing to see that you had been holding Castiel’s hand tightly, you felt yourself blush slightly in the darkness and gingerly disentangle your fingers from his.  
    Acting nonchalant you stretched your body to increase the blood flow and wake yourself up, your body brushed against his as you shifted and you felt your heart jump. You had been close enough to Castiel over the last few months, but somehow this felt…different, more intimate, and it flustered you; which wasn’t an altogether comforting development for a woman who was so confident.  
    You reluctantly moved your eyes back to his and attempted to smirk  
“Couldn’t stay away huh? “  
You tried to make your tone teasing but your voice shook slightly and ruined it; you slowly sat up but unlike usual Castiel did not move away. Usually when he somehow ended up closer to you than usual he immediately distanced himself, like when you had gotten out of the shower yesterday; but not this time. You looked at him curiously in the gloom of early morning and he looked straight into your eyes in return. Another unusual development, he rarely looked you in the eye, often just glancing at you then away again. What was with him today? You had never viewed Castiel as particularly impressive but he seemed so cool and confident all the sudden. You shook your head, trying to dislodge the odd feelings you were experiencing, maybe you needed more sleep; why else would you think Castiel was in any way impressive?  
   Your inner monologue was interrupted as Castiel replied quietly  
“I was watching you sleep.”  
You weren’t sure how to respond to his blunt answer, you should probably find it creepy but in a way it was kind of sweet. Ew…since when do you consider things sweet? Good god you were a marshmallow! Ever since you had allowed Crowley…  
Your thoughts derailed and you flinched visibly, it was strictly against your rules to think of… _him_.  
Castiel’s face grew concerned but you couldn’t meet his gaze, instead your hand searched out the relief of your talisman. Your fingers stroked the plumage and you stopped short, what the hell?  
You lifted the feather so you could see it and your jaw dropped when you saw it; it looked brand new! How had…  
  You looked up to meet Castiel’s gaze, you searched his features for an answer and he answered with a sheepish smile. You were even more puzzled  
“H-How could…I mean…Did you…?”  
He nodded and reached out to touch the feather gently, his fingers brushed yours and you felt that same static electricity-like shock you had the first time; when you had been in the car together. You gasped softly, but this time he didn’t retreat. Somehow he had grown bolder and it was very…impressive.  
He let his hand fall from your feather but instead reached to take your hand in his again, his gaze burned into you and you felt frozen in place.  
“May I ask you something? Then I will answer your question.”  
He asked cautiously, it didn’t seem like he was asking for permission, more so he was going to ask either way but wanted to be polite. You felt mesmerized and nodded slowly, still caught in his intense gaze.  
  He seemed thoughtful for a moment and then continued  
“Are you attached to this?”  
He asked, referring to your feather. You were confused by the question, and your brow furrowed, but you nodded. Unsure why he cared, or how he had managed to repair it. He nodded and asked another question  
“Why?”  
  You thought for a moment, somehow he released your gaze and you looked down, staring at your hand in his and considered his question. Why did you feel so attached to some random feather? Finally you just answered honestly, the answer more instinctual than thought out.  
“It makes me feel…peaceful. Like its bleeding out my poison, and leaving me clean again. It keeps away….”  
   You stopped short, you had almost told him about your nightmares! You felt chagrin burn your face and you looked away, pulling your hand from his grasp, he didn’t resist. You reached to touch your feather again, and you searched for the peaceful feeling.  
“It keeps your nightmares at bay.”  
You froze, his gruff voice was not asking, he was stating a fact. You weren’t sure whether you were horrified or angry. Anger was your usual response to everything to do with your past and his repeated attempts to break down your walls. You wanted to hit him, to yell, but somehow all you felt was pain. It was easier to hide it when you felt like it worked, like your pain was hidden; how could you summon the conviction to hide it when it did no good? He knew, and you suspected he had known for a long time, and again you remembered that day in the car when he had switched the radio…  
    Castiel looked at you and his face turned from grave to horrified, you couldn’t fathom what would make him look so stricken, until you realized your face was wet.  
You were crying. No sobs, no hysterics, you were crying with all of what was left of your heart.  
**_Damn it._**  


{Castiel}

Castiel was appalled as he saw tears suddenly stream down your cheeks, nothing had changed, your face was pensive and unreadable, but out of the blue tears streamed thick and fast down your face. You looked up when he gasped, your face never changed, but your eyes…they were in agony. Only then did he realize what his attempts to get you to open up had been doing. He had wondered so many times why you hid everything, but never once had he thought of how. Without the charade to cling to…you had no way to handle whatever unimaginable pain lurked in your heart. Without hesitation he reached out and grabbed your hand a third time, but he didn’t stop there. Gently he pulled on your wrist and you were yanked awkwardly against his surprisingly broad chest. Your eyes were wide as his arms wrapped around you, and he murmured soothingly  
“I am sorry.”  
  
  
{You}  
  
You didn’t know what to do, it felt **_wrong_** to be so close, so vulnerable with someone else. You felt broken beyond repair; every time you thought you couldn’t be crushed anymore…life threw you another curve ball. You had survived so much…parents murdered, Gordon’s teachings…and his death, betraying everything for love…and then having to destroy it… ** _him_** …forever. The one thing you had was pretending this was all just a job, so it could all just be over.  
    Castiel remained silent, not pushing you any further to speak, but being patient as he held you close. After a long moment of confusion and streaming tears you clenched your fist. You were better than this; you didn’t waffle back and forth. You honored your debts and you stayed the course. You rubbed your eyes, forcing a halt to the water works and Castiel loosened his hold so he could look into your face.

   You avoided his gaze at first, making sure you had yourself under control, it was painful, but you wouldn’t lose control again. You sat up straighter, using his arm to anchor yourself. Finally you braved a look at his face, he didn’t look much different than usual, but he did flash a new, slightly sheepish, slightly happy smile. You rather liked this new smile, maybe you could find your own someday, but until this was all over you didn’t have anything to smile about. You glanced back up and were again struck by his icy blue eyes; okay, maybe one or two things.  
  You visibly shook your head, trying to clear your head. You flashed a small smirk and looked back up at the weird angel that had dogged your footsteps since coming here.  
“Your turn.”  
Was all you said, but he knew what you wanted to know. He seemed unsure, and you wondered why he looked so nervous, how exactly had he repaired the feather?  
Finally he cleared his throat and looked back at you.  
“It would be easier to…show you, Rather than tell you.”  
You motioned for him to go ahead but he shook his head, standing and offering to take your hand  
“Will you come with me? I will show you everything.”  
You debated for a nanosecond before grasping his hand, and in the next moment you felt a rush of cool wind and you were on a rooftop, you guessed the roof of the motel.  You looked around and saw Castiel standing a few feet away, his stance was rigid and the look in his eyes was intense. You shivered as the cool air wrapped around you but your gaze stayed on the angel. You nodded once, and he took a deep breath, his demeanor was making you think you wouldn’t like what came next.  
    One second…Ten seconds…  
Castiel seemed to flex his shoulders, he closed his eyes and seemed to be concentrating, you were about to speak when you were momentarily blinded. You heard a soft whoosh and when you opened your eyes you weren’t sure how to react. Castiel stood there but behind him spread two pitch black wings. You took a hesitant step closer and studied them, half curious and half terrified.  
    You let out a gasp and your hand reached up to grasp your feather lightly, you understood now, he hadn’t repaired it…he had given you a new one. It was an angel feather…Castiel’s…feather…  
  
You knew Castiel was an angel, but he had never appeared as anything more than he was, than his vessel. This was the first time, other than his rapid appearance or disappearances; he had shown his true power. You were overwhelmed, you wanted to look away, or more frankly run away, but his eyes held you immobile.  
   Slowly he walked forward to stand in front of you, his wings spread wide, and he scrutinized your expression, trying to gauge your reaction. After a moment he flexed and his wings began to fold back.  
You felt an overwhelming urge and reached out to touch one gently; he stopped, looking at you curiously.  
   Gingerly you reached out again, tracing the individual feathers and marveling at the glossy plumes. It was odd to think you had been wearing one of Castiel’s feathers, almost like it was a token or something. You didn’t feel angry, like you probably would have any other day, more like you were fascinated.  How had the feather given you that peaceful feeling? Although it made more sense than it being a random bird feather like you had assumed.  You saw Castiel twitch as you ran your fingers through the feathers and turned to study his face as he had just done to you. His face was flushed and he seemed almost like…you suddenly recognized the look and jumped back, holding your hands up as if in surrender.  
“S-Sorry.”  
You muttered, unsure what the problem had been but having enough experience to know for some reason, your touch had aroused him.  He gingerly folded his wings back, but they didn’t disappear. He took a shy step closer and motioned that you could come closer. You stepped until you stood in front of him again, eyes wide, and the embarrassing situation mostly passed.  
  He slowly reached to stroke the feather that lay against your chest; you shivered slightly from the cool air, and warm fingers.  He watched your face and asked softly  
“Do you still feel attached to it?”  
You were amazed at the difference in the castiel you had gotten to know and the one who stood in front of you. Which one was real? He was soft spoken and thoughtful…then confident and powerful. Castiel was turning out to be quite the puzzle, maybe you weren’t the most complicated person on the team after all.  
  
   Your lips curled into something between a real smile and a smirk, you took his tie in one hand and pulled his face close to yours. He seemed very unnerved but didn’t pull back, you looked him in the eye and laughed softly  
“I have to say, Castiel, I think I like it even more; you keep this up who knows what might happen.”  
His face flushed brightly and you decided to really let him have it, for whatever reason his wings seemed sensitive, and maybe it was the cold air or the adrenaline but you felt playful. Gently you reached over his shoulder and delicately traced a finger along the edge of his wing, he shuddered instinctively and right then you went in for the kill. Faster than lightening you leaned up and kissed his cheek and at the same time gave the base of his wing a little squeeze.  
    The sound he made was something between a wheeze and a grunt, but he seemed thoroughly discombobulated. You smiled playfully and winked, turning to walk back toward the staircase that led back down. You were practically strutting as you walked, pausing at the top to call back over your shoulder to the frozen angel.  
“See you in a few hours, the trials wait.”  


   Castiel’s wings disappeared a moment after you did and he reached up slowly to touch his cheek where you had kissed him. His whole body felt like it was infested with bees, he needed to talk to dean. He always seemed to know the reasons behind his vessel’s strange responses in the physical sense, whereas Sam was the one to ask about feelings and such things.  
   With that thought Castiel stood where he was, puzzling over you, the trials, and the feeling of your fingers in his feathers as the sun slowly peeked over the horizon.


	10. Guilty feelings and dirty dealings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel takes you to the side for a moment and then its time to meet Sam for His return, but everything has not gone to plan!   
> Its now a rush to find a way to rescue Sam and finish the second trial before Crowley discovers what you've planned, and who you've been hiding with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The long awaited chapters are here!!! I'm so sorry i made you wait so long T_T it was completely unintentional! been moving and dont have full time internet for a few more days! but all stories will be updated by this time next week and i have THREE brand new beautiful chapters for my patient readers of Cost of doing business! <3

{4 hours until Sam’s return}

  Dean sat edgily on the wooden chair, his fingers tapping distractedly on the table. His eyes seemed to spin in time with the clock as he followed its increasingly slower (or so it seemed) rotation towards Sam’s return.   
   You had given up trying to calm the man-baby and focused on ensuring everything that you might need was in working order. You had washed your clothes and repacked your knapsack, and now you sat on the floor, back cushioned by the bed as you hunched over your weapons. Your angel blade rarely needed servicing, but you polished it anyway. The busy-work allowing your mind to wander through the many what-if scenarios that might play out in a few short hours; and perhaps once in a while they would suddenly shift to a pair of magnificent midnight wings and anxious blue eyes…  
      You shook your head on one such time, willing yourself to focus on the task at hand. Setting aside the heavenly weapon you instead reached for your daggers. You preferred knives to guns; it was a bigger risk than using guns because you had to be close to use a knife. To counter this, Gordon had taught you early on how to throw knives. You could kill quicker and more accurately than a gun, and farther away to boot. Dean, many years ago, had once asked for a lesson in throwing knives. He had been confident, but he didn’t have the agility or finesse to excel at it. You always thought he was a little jealous as a result.   
  
Your lips twitched into a smile remembering those days; the days before Crowley.   
  
Your smile faded, and you refocused on your knives; sharpening the blade and dusting the handle for better grip. One after another you ensured you were ready to take on whatever these trials threw at you.  A small part of you recoiled at thoughts of the future. Sam was going to hell; there was a large chance this would bring you face to face with Crowley for the first time. Did you have the will to kill him? Even with all the hate in your heart…could you really end Crowley’s life? Well…after life?  
  
  
A soft ‘whoosh’ ruffled your hair gently. Your smile returned and you turned your head casually to greet Castiel. He walked forward to stand a few feet away and caught your eye; he smiled gently in return and dipped his head in silent greeting. You wink in his direction and as a reward his face reddens a tiny bit. Instead of allowing himself to become flustered he turns as Dean rises to greet the angel.       

  “thanks for being here Cas, its zero hour.”  


They did one of those awkward man half-hugs and quickly parted, their male instincts putting a quick two second rule on male-on-male contact, and moved back to their respective spots.  
    
“I will do whatever I can to ensure everyone’s safety”  
  
Castiel assured him, though you could have sworn his eyes flashed to you and away again when he said that. You smirked slightly as you bent back over your weapons, sharpening the last few daggers before you slid everything into their respective hiding places on your body. Things with Castiel were turning out much differently than you had expected. At first you figured you would never be friendly with the anti-social angel; and here you were trading smiles and midnight wing viewings. Fate sure took you down strange paths, but for once it didn’t feel like you were betraying anyone for the warmth you felt in your chest.  
  ** _No one but Crowley anyway  
_** Said a cruel whine in the back of your mind  
**_Just the love of your life_**  
you pushed the voice down; crushing it beneath your will.  
**_Crowley betrayed me first_**  
you rationalized to that nagging voice that even now urged you to go back to him, to your sadistic lover.   
**_I deserve to find happiness, don’t I?_**  
You demanded of your doubts, feeling less confident as you thought about it. Did you deserve that?   
You betrayed everyone to love Crowley; Sam and Dean, Gordon and all he taught you…even your parents.  
You felt the cursed burning as tears sprung up like the damned traitors they were. You tilted your face so your hair fell down to screen your shame; your harsh thoughts relentless now that you had given them life.  
 Loving Crowley was the ultimate blasphemy for you. To love the thing…that killed your own parents. A filthy, evil hell spawn had robbed you of your family and any chance of a normal life…and you fell in love with one! He had made so many promises…tried so many ways to seduce you…and you had given in when he promised you the one thing you’d do anything for…even betray your family’s memory for…  
**_Serves you right_**  
hissed the voice, stronger as it fed off your pain; off your doubt. Your cheeks grew damp and you cursed yourself silently, why was it getting so hard to hide it? To push it down like you had countless other times? You knew but didn’t want to admit it, even to yourself.  
**_Castiel._**  
The patient angel had weathered every explosion, every harsh word. He had peeled back your hard shell and revealed the tiny bud of heart you had left. He was slowly trying to heal the inner scars he had sensed the night you came to them, and you were terrified of the consequences if he succeeded; if he found a way to open you up. You didn’t think you could handle being close to someone again; like teasing an infected wound, it was agony. The guilt was thick and choking, it rankled the pain the hatred had buried. Castiel was everything Crowley wasn’t, and you had no idea what to expect, what he would do to you. Heal your scars…or destroy the last of you. You didn’t realize how tightly you were gripping your feather, your whirlwind of internal argument was throwing you into a spiral and it took everything you had just to keep silent so your weakness would go unnoticed.   
   You heard a soft intake of breath and the next moment you were jolted as a hand touched your shoulder and Castiel’s deep voice talked calmly from above you, addressing Dean.  
“Dean, make sure everything is ready. We will ensure a clear perimeter. We will return in one hour.”  
Dean nodded, obviously not wholly focused as his eyes urged the clock to move faster. Castiel reached down to touch his fingers to your shoulder and you felt an increasingly familiar jolt. You didn’t move, still sitting, face hidden, on the ground wherever he had transported you both.   
    You felt a gentle touch brush your fingers that held vise-like onto your feather, his feather, and gingerly pry them loose.  He kept your hand in his, you didn’t fight him, but neither did you allow him to see your face. He sighed softly and knelt down so his face was almost on level with your own, and murmured soothingly in your ear  
“I know you do not want to speak, so we will just sit until you are ready to return.”  
You cringed inside, he was getting really good at reading you and you weren’t sure if that was a good thing. He had spared you the embarrassment of Dean seeing, for that you were grateful. You weren’t sure you could thank him without your voice shaking so instead you squeezed his hand gently in a gesture of thanks, you thought you could feel it as he smiled in response, but couldn’t manage to look up to confirm it.  
   He sat a foot or so away, holding your hand and staring off to the side casually; as if he wasn’t in the presence of a highly unstable crying woman. He was letting you off with your dignity, while still giving the comfort you desperately needed. Ever since you had cried the first time; he seemed intent on proving he wasn’t going to push you to open up again, but rather outwait your doubts.  
**_He’s got a long wait_**  
you thought sarcastically and couldn’t help but smile slightly, your tears slowing some. He was like a faithful dog {as harsh as it sounded} and seemed content to wait patiently at your heels until you were ready. It was new to you, and it was nice after so many years at war; to feel like you weren’t being pushed or manipulated. Maybe it was wrong to encourage Castiel by accepting his kindness, you had nothing to give in return, but he was the morphine for your broken heart, he dulled the pain and brought the thread you needed to pull yourself back together. He offered no promises, expected nothing of you…only offering silent acceptance.   
    Finally your thoughts sputtered out and your tears ran dry, you gave yourself a beat to ensure you were okay, and then lifted your chin to glance at Castiel. He kept looking around casually, acting as if you hadn’t moved, making sure you didn’t feel self conscious. You looked down at your entwined hands and wondered why it didn’t feel as bad, his warmth was actually kind of nice. Where Crowley has been fire and passion…Castiel was comfort and safety. Not the wild adventure your former lover had been, but dependable, and loyal.   
   You soaked in the peace for a long moment, reaching with your unoccupied hand to smooth the feather gently against your throat. Out of the corner of your eye you saw his lip twitch upward smugly and you turned away to smile so he wouldn’t see, sometimes his expression was too entrancing and you would find yourself smiling like a school girl.   
**I’m in trouble**  
you thought and then looked back to your escort, motioning as you started to rise that you were okay. Instantly he was on his feet, helping to pull you to yours. You propelled up and found yourself closer than expected to his face, you looked up and felt a current run across your fingers where they touched his and you felt frozen for a long moment as you both just looked at one another.   
   You looked down first, ****_damn_ , and murmured offhandedly  
“We should get back.”  
Castiel chuckled and took a step back, dropping your hands (was that a regretful glance?) and instead rested a hand on your shoulder like before. You took a breath and by the time you exhaled you both appeared in front of Dean as he stood, ready to go, by the door.  
  
{2 Hours until Sam’s return}

  
He sighed in relief as you both reappeared; you did a last check on your equipment and nodded to them both. Dean acknowledged it and turned to open the door, carrying the bags toward the stairs.   
“Let’s get this over with.”  
He said to no one in particular, and you nodded in agreement.  
Castiel brushed your arm and gave you a meaningful look before blinking out of sight, most likely going to watch from somewhere hidden. You hiked your pack onto your bag and followed dean out; you would drop all nonessentials in the cars and head to the meeting spot.  
As you both locked up your cars and started walking toward the place Ajay had instructed you heard Dean whisper softly  
“We’re coming Sammy.”

 

 

  {One hour until Sam’s return}  
  
You casually slipped one of your knives into your palm, your other hand hovering near your hidden angel blade, while dean held their trusty demon shank in a tight fist. You both slowed as you approached the alley you had left Sam in, you saw Ajay’s cab parked 50 feet ahead and saw that someone, or something, was in the driver’s seat. You exchanged a glance with Dean, you tilted your head and he nodded once. Like you had been working together for years you both took positions on either side of the car and slowly slunk forward, ears straining for any warning of danger.  
   Finally you both stood just behind the car, you silently counted to three and leaped forward, weapon prepped to fly into the person’s chest…but what you saw…stopped your heart cold.  
     
It was Ajay, but even if you had let loose your weapon it wouldn’t have mattered.   
He was hunched over as if he had fallen asleep at the wheel, but reapers didn’t sleep, and there was a hole pierced clean through his chest.  
  Your insides felt like they liquefied and your panicked gaze met Dean’s, he was frozen in horror as he looked from you, to the dead Ajay, and out toward the alley where his brother had disappeared.  
“What about Sam?!”  
You asked, your heart hammering as you tried to understand what this meant. Sam was trapped in hell!  
You jumped as a loud thud echoed through the empty block, again and again. Dean was kicking and punching the cab as if somehow he could force it to be untrue.   
   Your lungs felt as if they had forgotten how to expand, but you were running out of time! Now was not the time to give in to panic. You rushed around and placed a restraining hand on Dean’s shoulder, he tried to rip his arm out of your grasp but you tightened your grip. His wild eyes turned to you and you half-expected him to hit you.  
“Stop it Dean! We have to figure out how to help Sam!”  
 The sound of his brother’s name seemed to sedate his panic and he seemed to try to calm down and think. You pretended not to notice the tears in his eyes as you pulled him to face you.  
“Think Dean! We’re running out of time! How do we get him out?!”  
His eyes were glazed and he collapsed against the side of the cab, his voice seemed as far away as his eyes but he answered numbly  
“She said the way was through purgatory. Sam is in purgatory…”  
Your eyes narrowed and you felt like Dean had been hiding something, but your mind raced ahead. Whoever this “she” was would have to wait, especially if Sam was in purgatory. Purgatory…monster limbo…  
“Wait!”  
Your exclamation jolted dean out of his depression and you grabbed his shoulders, practically shaking him.  
“YOU were in purgatory Dean! How did you escape?!”  
You had heard of Dean’s miraculous escape through the grapevine but you didn’t know the actual story. However his eyes bulged at your revelation, but it was not excitement or hope like you felt. You saw something click in his brain but the look on his face…it was agony.  
    You weren’t sure what was happening in Dean’s mind but he seemed to be making a very difficult decision. You stayed silent, trying not to push too hard, the strain was tight between you both and it wouldn’t take much for it to snap.  
    Finally when you had almost given up on him coming out of his contemplative coma he snapped into action. His hand snatched something out of his pocket, his phone, and his fingers were a blur as they dialed. He didn’t look at you but spoke quickly, his voice clipped and precise.  
“Hey, it’s been a long time. Yeah…I’m sorry Benny…but I need your help.”  
You heard a muffled reply from the other end and you could see the cost on Dean’s face, whatever he had planned, it was evident he wished he didn’t have to involve whoever he was calling.  
“East 32nd street, how soon can you be here?”  
His voice broke on the last word but he kept it together. Another short reply and Dean had to clear his throat before murmuring sadly  
“Thanks”  
and then he hung up and faced you, your confusion was obvious on your face but you just waited for Dean to explain. He closed his eyes briefly and seemed to concentrate and Castiel stood beside you both; face grave.  
“Are you sure?”  
Dean shook his head and looked down, tightening his grip on his demon blade.  
“It’s our only choice.”  
Castiel seemed to want to argue but gave up at the look Dean gave him, your impatience was rising; you didn’t take kindly to being left out. Your eyes narrowed but Castiel touched your arm as if to signal that now was not the time.   
   Dean turned to face you and Castiel  
“Get to Maine, I’ll meet you there…when I can.”  
There seemed to be a heavy meaning behind his words that made a chill sweep through you, he was acting like someone was dead, what was he planning?  
“Maine, what the hell is in Maine? That’s hours away!”  
You demanded; the adrenaline and suppressed panic making you irritable. Dean reached out to grasp your arm, his grip strong but not painful. He looked you in the eye, like he wanted to impress on you how important it was.  
“Sam will come out in Maine, Castiel knows where. Go there and wait, I’ll be right behind you.”  
You didn’t know what they weren’t telling you, and it was so odd…you felt _fear_. Fear for Dean, and for Sam.  
**_well I’ll be damned_**  
you thought, surprised at yourself.   
**_When did I start caring what happened to these apes?  
_** You couldn’t deny it; Sam, Dean….and Castiel. You cared what happened to them, they weren’t just tools for your revenge anymore. They were your friends again.   
You glanced fleetingly at Castiel’s somber face and felt a twinge in your stomach. Maybe more than friends.  
   You took a deep breath, shoving the emotions that would hamper your mission deep down where all nonessential things went. This was a job, you needed to focus.  
You reached out to take Castiel’s hand, while Dean headed toward the alley, you assumed to wait for his mystery friend.  
you called out to his retreating figure  
“You better be there Winchester. Don’t make me come get you too.”  
Dean stopped, and turned back, a sad smile on his face.  
“Who’d have thought, huh?”  
You smiled sadly in return, knowing what he meant. Four years ago you wouldn’t have guessed you’d have been back in throng with the Winchesters, intent on killing the one you gave up everything to love.  
“You did, remember?”  
Dean chuckled and turned away, you could still hear his last words as Crowley took you away  
“Why would you help a demon?! You’re one of us!”  
You couldn’t remember your replies, but you remembered the looks on their faces, and Dean’s angry shout. It had always haunted you in your years with Crowley.  
“You chose wrong! And I hope I’m there when you realize it!”  
  
****_Now you can be there…when I make it right._  
  
You thought, bracing for the odd sensation as you both disappeared.

 

A few moments later you felt ground fly up to meet your feet. Your nose flared and you smelled the earthy musk of a forest.  Your eyes opened warily and you saw dense trees and mossy rocks; the sound of night creatures scuttling around you put you on edge. Castiel squeezed your hand and you turned to give him a nod, letting him know you were okay. Without speaking you both moved through the trees, him slightly ahead since he knew the destination. He still held your hand but you didn’t pull away. Panic for your friends made his steady pulse against your skin reassuring, even with all the unexpected challenges at least you wouldn’t be alone. Soon your team of unlikely friends would be together again, and one step closer to severing your past for good


	11. Crowley Vs Castiel : Bonds of Love, chains of passion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> after many tense hours Sam returns with sad news, but just as all comes to plan Bobby's assent is interrupted by the one person you hoped you wouldn't have to face.  
> Castiel whisks you out of harms way but is it enough? Crowley's control over you is deeper than even you realized, can Castiel figure out how to save you before you are pulled back into Crowley's grasp by the manacles of your sins?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ITS HERE!  
> the long awaited first round of castiel v crowley!  
> its not alot of crowley but i promise he'll get his turn next chapter ;) so keep those comments coming and dont forget to subscribe! all helpful hints or suggestions are totally welcome!!
> 
> hope you enjoy =3
> 
> ((also this will possibly be the longest chapter ever written but i wanted to really give tons of detail and background so buckle up and make sure you have plenty of time to get through it in one sitting ;) ))

 {3 hours Past Sam’s Return Time}

Time seemed to slow until it was all but creeping by. Castiel stood silently beside you, hand still wrapped around yours. You wondered if Dean’s friend made it, and if he could really help Sam escape. It seemed useless to speak your doubts so you simply went on wondering and worrying, jumping at the smallest sounds as if Sam would pop out of thin air any second or Dean would finally appear and explain everything went fine.  
     After an eternity of silence and quiet you heard steady crunching, you glanced over at Castiel and he faced toward the sound, that had to mean…  
   You sighed in relief when you saw a familiar face break through the trees.  
“Dean!”  
Your relieved whisper sounded much louder in the echoing dark, and he flashed a tired smiled as he came up to you both.  
“It’s done, now we wait.”  
He seemed like he had aged a lifetime in the last few hours, Dean’s eyes drooped sadly and his lips seemed as if they hadn’t smiled in years. The pain radiating from him was stifling, and you didn’t know how to help ease it except bring Sam back. So you reached to loosen the holsters on your weapons and hardened your resolve. With your recent run of luck as a gauge you were pretty sure something would go wrong, so you were ready for whatever got thrown your way.  You lifted your mask into position in case any demons came to call.  
  No matter what, you would see this through to the end.  


{6 Hours past Sam’s return time)

 

Three vigilant statues sat silently in the gloom of the starless night sky. Like waiting in a pool of intangible ink, you could barely make out details of the trees that surrounded you and your party. You had forced yourself to stop checking the creeping clock on your wrist; maybe time ran differently in Purgatory. You’d have asked Dean but thought better of it. Now was not the time for reminiscing. Your eyes persistently pierced through the darkness, alert for any sounds of ambush or Sam’s appearance.  
Dean stood near the center, pacing, while you and Castiel hung back in the fringe of trees, wary of an ambush and trying to remain concealed.

 

Suddenly a brilliant light exploded out from the middle of the clearing ahead, you groaned and jerked your arm to shade your eyes, trying to squint through the blinding rays.  
   You thought a shadow lurked in the heart of the event, and slowly it began to clear as the light faded.  After several tense moments your hand dropped and you laughed, it was almost manic but you didn’t care, because before your eyes stood a dirty, ragged, very much alive Sam Winchester. Dean shouted something unintelligible and rushed forward to support his weary brother, who looked on the verge of collapse.  
   You leaned forward, but wanted to give the brother’s a minute together. Sam had a pained expression as he spoke to his brother  
“H-He…he stayed behind. I Don’t…I think he always planned to. He saved our lives.”  
You weren’t sure what he meant but you had an inkling that whatever help Dean’s friend had offered, had come at a great cost. Dean’s expression was heart rending but you refused to look, instead you turned once again in the fading light to case the surroundings, something was off…  
  
Your attention was diverted as a shimmer caught your eye, looking back to Sam you gasped softly as you saw his forearm alight from something…something INSIDE his arm!  
“Sam! Wh-what…?”  
You murmured, wondering what it could be. Dean seemed unsurprised however and merely produced a knife. Before you could protest they both gave each other a determined look and cleanly sliced open his arm where it shined through.  Dean whispered softly as he did  
“Time to go home Bobby.”  
Everything happened so fast after that.  
But it felt so slow at first.  
  
In rapid succession four things happened.  
  
First, a light that you could only describe as eerie emerged from the cut on Sam’s arm and slowly floated skyward. You followed its path for a moment as it seemed to be guided by an intangible wind toward the heavens. Could that really be the spirit of Bobby Singer? Not quite what you had always pictured, but decent enough as far as spirit forms go.  
  
Second, about ten seconds later it suddenly seemed to hit an invisible wall, held at bay on its upward journey by unseen forces just as it cleared the trees. You felt a wash of adrenaline rush through you in the next moment, your gut shooting a warning jolt through your nerve endings. Something was very wrong; they had made it seem as if it would be over quickly.  
  
Third, you thought you heard a gruff voice curse to your left, but not in English. Castiel had most assuredly just cursed in some foreign tongue, and his tone told you just how bad things were about to get.  
You instinctively looked over to him and saw he was looking angrily past you, into the trees.  
  
And then your heart stopped. Didn’t skip, or speed up, everything seemed to just stop.  
  
Because a moment later, you heard the vilest, most pompous, most horribly familiarlaugh; and you felt yourself shatter into pieces at the sound. It was throaty, and arrogant, the way he always was. You heard a choking, gasping sound and it took a long moment before you realized it was you, trying to fill lungs that refused to work.  You wanted to turn, but you were frozen, eyes wide and panicked.  
**_Not ready for this._**  
It was too soon, you had thought you knew what you would do but your moment was here and your body refused to answer your pleading commands to just _move_.

And suddenly you were falling back, back to that very first day. Maybe because you hadn’t heard or seen him in months, maybe because he was so close now, but you remembered something you had all but forgotten until now. That very first promise…and the consequences you now faced.  


_{four years ago}_

_“What do you take me for?”_  


_You scoffed angrily, circling around as you eyed the demon king hatefully, weapon unsheathed and ready as soon as you got an opening._  
 _Crowley chuckled, un-phased by your battle-ready stance as you circled each other like wolves._  
 _This posturing was nothing new; it had become a sort of ritual during his ever increasing number of_  
 _unannounced visits since you had first met after the apocalypse was nixed._  
  
_This time he had caught you while you were enjoying a quiet drink after a hunt. You had caught a bite to the shoulder and the alcohol helped numb the ache under the bandage._  
 _It certainly did **not** help when Crowley materialized across from you mid-drink and caused you to choke on your whiskey. So you didn’t start off in the best of moods as you stormed out the side door, knowing he would follow. No sense in starting a knife fight in a crowded bar and having to deal with more questions. Or cops._

_“There are many ways I might take you.”_

  
_Replied Crowley, his eyes flashed significantly up and down your body and he smirked, you just rolled your eyes. The innuendo and sexual advances were also common when he came to harass you. Sometimes you played it up just to mess with him, watch him get all hot and bothered only to be disappointed. Maybe you were becoming a masochist._  


_“But currently I see a woman who knows a good deal when she sees one. Or so I hope. “_  


_You laughed sarcastically, keeping your guard up. Demons and their deals! Even though you knew it was all a ploy you couldn’t help wondering….wondering if he could really deliver on his end._  
 _“So what, you give me my heart’s desire and you get my soul in return?”_  
 _You shot back, your tone showing how much stock you put in his word. He was enjoying his little game, he acted like he had already won and you just didn’t know it yet. The cocky fucker had no idea who he was messing with._  
  
_“No.”_  
  
_That stopped you short. No? What could he want from you more than your soul? Your face was obviously puzzled because he smiled and took a step closer while you were preoccupied. You raised your knife a fraction to show you were still on your guard and he halted, still smiling that damned self-satisfied smile._  
  
_“I don’t want just your soul. I’m the bloody King of Hell now love, I don’t settle. I want it all.”_  
  
_Your jaw quite literally dropped at his blunt assessment. Want it all? All of what? You? You weren’t sure what his angle was but this discussion was not going where you thought it was at all. He had dropped by more and more over the months, hinting that he had something you desperately wanted, trying to catch you with your guard down. He once tried to pop in while you were showering, and got a face full of holy water and a knife in the shin for his trouble._  
  
 _“What do you mean…all?”_  
  
_You asked hesitantly, not sure you wanted to know but somehow his voice had this hypnotic quality that made you want to know where he was going with all this. You had often wondered why he had taken such a serious interest in you. Some would say a relentless, very annoying interest._  
 _He seemed emboldened by your question and stepped forward again, now only a few feet away._  
  
_“I will give you the one thing you’ve wanted all these years. And in return, you will be mine. Body, (he bit_  
 _his lip thoughtfully and you felt a shudder run through you), mind, and soul. You will be mine.”_  
  
_Despite his decidedly demon status Crowley was not an unattractive man, more than once you pondered what it would be like to be in his bed, but it was a taboo fantasy and nothing more._  
 _How could you be with the same breed of scum that killed your family? Betraying everything you cared about. Your family’s memory, Gordon’s teachings, and all the hunters you had befriended. It would be the ultimate blasphemy and there was nothing he could offer you that was worth that._

_He must have seen the resolution in your eyes, the indecision cleared and your face hardened. You swung your blade, but he was already gone. You cursed aloud but before you could swing around to find him again two strong arms grabbed you from behind. You hissed in pain as he squeezed your shoulder wound and your arm released the blade unwillingly. It clattered to the concrete and you felt hot breath on the back of your neck as his hands wound vice-like around your wrists. Normally you may have had a chance, but wounded you were one arm down and that was obviously the edge he had counted on this time._  
  
_“Now, now, no need for that. We were just getting to the juicy bits.”_  
  
_This was new, usually when you started on the attack he would simply reappear a few feet away, say some quippy one liner and try again next time. Never before had he actually touched you, and you were surprised by your body’s reaction. Where his body pressed against your back, and all down your arms where he held you it felt like fire was passing over your body. Was it his demon power or some new sensation you had never experienced before?_  
 _Whatever it was it made you feel shaky and odd, and you felt the unevenness of your breathing as you tried to figure a way out of this. The alcohol was dulling your reflexes, and caused you to enjoy his closeness more than you should._  
 _Crowley leaned close so his lips just barely brushed your ear and cheek, and was rewarded with your shiver of surprise. And then he uttered the sentence that changed your life forever._  
  
_“Be mine, completely, and I’ll give you the one thing you long for. I’ll give you the demon that murdered your family. And you may do with them as you wish.”_  


_You gasped softly as he spun you to face him, he was only slightly taller but it felt as though he were so much larger. He looked at you and it wasn’t like he had ever looked at you before. It was open and serious. No hint of sarcasm or arrogance for once. He continued his proposal and his tone was so very persuasive. you remember wondering if maybe Crowley was more human than you originally thought. He almost made it sound like he was courting you._  
  
_“I will give you your revenge, and everything else you could ever want. All you have to do…”_

_He released your wrists but you didn’t struggle, shocked immobile by his offer. You had searched for more than a decade, but had never managed to catch up to the bastard. Always one step behind._  
 _To finally avenge your family…was it worth the cost?_  
  
_“All you have to do is be mine and only mine.”_  
  
_Your lungs felt like they were made of iron. You would belong to a demon…but the way Crowley described it didn’t sound like you would be a slave or a prisoner...honestly it sounded like a win/win for you..._

_If you hadn’t been filled with whiskey and weak from the blood loss maybe things would have ended differently. Maybe you would have had the strength to resist the tempting offer, but as it happened you were drunk, and weak, and what the hell did you have to lose anyway? Family dead. Mentor dead. You had no one else but a handful of hunters and they weren’t exactly out for your best interests usually._  
  
_You nodded slowly and you saw him barely keep his feelings of triumph in check. He wrapped an arm around your waist and your body pressed closely against him. You shuddered, but it was from pleasure, not fear._  
 _He leaned close, his face hovering just above yours, and his words were a sweet murmur_  
  
_“Say it, say you will be mine. You will have your revenge, and you will be my queen. You will be bonded to me for eternity.”_  
  
_You sucked in an uneven breath, woozy from the adrenaline and alcohol. Your shoulder was a dull throbbing that impeded your focus but you managed to murmur shakily_  
  
_“I accept…my king.”_  


 

{Present}

The laughter moved closer through the trees, and you cast a wide eyed look to Castiel. He looked at you for a long measured moment and then sighed softly, glancing over to Dean they seemed to have a silent conversation and in the space of a heart beat Castiel appeared right beside you, before you could protest he wrapped his arms around you from the front and whispered hurriedly into your ear,  
“It will be okay, just stay quiet.”  
  His breath fell across your face and seemed to thaw your frozen muscles slightly. In the next moment you felt a ‘whoosh’, a familiar feeling, and you felt your feet reconnect with the ground before they had even registered they had left it.  
  Castiel had transported you a few hundred feet away from the clearing; you could still see the boys as they faced across the way where you knew the enemy approached.  
  You tried to suppress the shiver of stress that ran through you, and focus on the problem at hand.  
For whatever reason Castiel had fled with you, but the bigger problem was that currently, your body would not move. Your muscles seemed locked as if awaiting a command, but not yours apparently.  
  suddenly a voice rang out from the clearing, you could hear it as if he spoke right beside you.  
  
“Hello boys. Miss me?”  
  
Your body jerked visibly and your fingers dug into Castiel’s arm, in response his arms pulled you closer and his face urged you not to make a sound. You couldn’t help it as your face kept flicking back to the clearing where you were half fearful you would catch a glimpse of him…back to Castiel who seemed to be unsure what was wrong with you, but you couldn’t speak any easier than you could move. You remembered Crowley’s words that day and it all clicked into place.

**_You will be bonded to me for eternity._ **

Even though you had left, even though you had decided to follow this through to the end…you were still bound. Your body, mind and soul belonged to Crowley and it seemed now that you were close enough the power of your contract wouldn’t allow you to escape, or aid your friends.

  
  
Fourthly, and lastly, was the most surprising development.  
This is where everything speeds up; in those next few seconds somehow your life took yet another dramatic twist.  
 You turned one last time to look to the clearing, and like a camera’s focus lens everything became sharp and clear, like seeing through the looking glass.  
  Confidently; one Italian-leather shoe after another…Crowley emerged from the trees and into view. His attention was gloatingly focused on the boys and it was then you realized why you had been taken from the hot zone. Crowley hadn’t noticed you or Castiel. They were giving you an opening…maybe because they didn’t trust you near him, or maybe because you’re the only one who could be guaranteed to hit him from 300 feet away if things went bad.  
   You couldn’t look away; Crowley was unshaven and rough looking, as if he had been neglecting his rigorously maintained image. You knew Castiel was speaking insistently in your ear but the words were gibberish…because your King was here.  
   When Crowley owns you, he owns you. Even with all the pain in your heart and knowledge in your head, your body yearned to move closer to him through the trees, it was part of the bonds that Crowley instilled when you said yes. Tears spilled over, you didn’t want to feel this devotion to him. You didn’t want to remember how it felt when he kissed you, and miss it. Even though you prayed for the feeling to fade you felt your body pull against Castiel’s restraining arms against your will.  
   Softly at first, then more insistently you struggled. He was still whispering urgently but you were trapped by Crowley’s damnable power, you were lost inside yourself; Desperate to finally break away from Crowley’s control but without the power to do it.  
With all the willpower you could muster you turned away to look at Castiel one last time, you didn’t know what he saw on your face then, it seemed to concern him at first, but slowly his face seemed to set as he looked at you in a way that set your heart racing even as you tried to pull away. It was like being possessed, your body wouldn’t do what you told it, and you couldn’t force your voice to work. How do you break a spell that was sewn into you; body and soul?  
Were you doomed to live the rest of your life as a slave to your sin?  
  


{Castiel}

Castiel cursed angrily in Enochian, he felt it when Crowley used his power and began to close in. He had to make a quick decision, Crowley was not yet aware of your or his own involvement and that was an edge that he wasn’t sure needed to be lost so soon. He glanced over to you and saw the blood drain from your face as the demon’s laugh echoed around the clearing, it had obviously caught you off guard because you seemed to stiffen instantly.  
   Quickly he turned and used his grace to create a temporary mental link with Dean who was used to the emergency communication after so long.  
“Should we retreat?”  
Dean glanced at you and nodded  
“She’s got the best range, back us up. I’m not letting him take bobby again.”  
with a quick nod Castiel appeared swiftly beside you and wrapped his arms around you, he was worried you would shout if he didn’t warn you so he whispered softly in your ear to be silent and then concentrated, a moment later popping up a ways away but close enough for you to be able to get a shot…if you could even take it.  
   He knew you had been struggling as the time rapidly approached when you would have to come face to face with Crowley again. Your eyes were wide and shifted between panic and….something that made Castiel’s gut churn.  
He tried to whisper comforting words and ask you to answer, but you seemed to be fading away. You couldn’t keep your eyes away from the clearing, it was like you were entranced as Crowley began to exchange insults with the boys.  
   He saw the struggle behind your eyes, you radiated desperation and suddenly you tore your eyes away from Crowley to look up at him for one long moment, he felt you begin to struggle against him, instinctively his arm tightened around you and he felt it as his vessel reacted to your close proximity.  He felt like his skin was riddled with electricity, everywhere his fingertips made contact with your skin it felt like an electric shock. He remembered all the moments over the months where he felt like an electric current ran through him when you brushed by, or when your face was too close…like now.  
   Your struggles grew stronger and he started to feel something completely new to him…fear. You were trying to go to Crowley; he didn’t have to read your mind to know that. He felt the strange power that oozed from the demon, and seemed to be pulling you from his grasp.  
    Would it be over like this? You walk away, back to the other side, and out of his life?  
Your gaze was pleading, you didn’t speak but he could hear you as if you were screaming it. Even as you pulled away you were begging silently…  
**_HELP ME!_**

Your voice finally managed to work, but only to choke out one word over and over in a strangled plea. **** _  
__No.  No.  No.  No.  No._  


****

{You}

Your eyes were wide and you trembled with the strain of trying to force your muscles to stop, you didn’t know what to do, all the weapons in the world couldn’t help in a battle against yourself.   
   Castiel kept trying to tell you it would be okay, to stop moving, but how could you explain that your body wasn’t your own, it wouldn’t listen.  
  You pleaded silently, praying he could understand and find a way to save you. You couldn’t trust your body to follow your directions, the force was so strong it was painful, but isn’t that all love is? A bond so complete it becomes painful. Loving Crowley had only brought you pain. Loving your family had ended in pain…Gordon was right.  
Love is a weapon life will only use to hurt you.  
So much pain….so much betrayal…  
**_Let it be over, please_**

   If you couldn’t be free, you wished you could just die, and let it be over finally. But since when has life ever been kind to you?  
    You felt it as the power redoubled and tears leaked down your cheeks, your last protest. Slowly your face turned away from Castiel, away from the angel that had made these last few months…some of the best of your life.  
  
Your head turned towards the clearing but Castiel reached a hand from around your waist to grab your cheek and force you to look back at him, your body yanked back to try and escape his grasp but he moved with you and you ended up with your back against one of the large oak trees that surrounded you, Castiel’s body pressing yours into the trunk so you couldn’t move.  Your mask slipped down to hang around your throat in the struggle, it’s not like it mattered if you hid behind it now anyway.  
    You couldn’t understand why he was fighting so hard to keep you away from Crowley…To save you from your own sins. Isn’t it really what you deserved?  
   Both of his hands reached up now to trap your face gently between them, you felt a strange new sense of panic come over you as you realized what was happening a second before it happened.  
     It wasn’t possible. How many times could one person survive having everything taken away?  You couldn’t remember when exactly you had started to hope again, you didn’t think you could ever find a reason to hope again. So when did you start placing your hopes on this confounding angel?  
 Maybe that day in the car…Maybe when he showed you his beautiful wings…maybe the day you put on his feather…  
   Castiel’s feather! Every time you had succumbed to your darkest moments it had soothed you, saved you from your nightmares. Could it somehow be the answer now?!  
  A moment later your thoughts were cut off, as Castiel, panicked by your lack of response did the only thing he could think of. The one thing he’d longed to do for months.  
    Castiel pulled your face to his, and kissed you as if his life depended on it. As if it was the first and last time he would ever get the chance.  
  
Surprise was the first tangible emotion, followed closely by all of your body falling limp from shock, as if the strings that had been controlling you were cut, luckily for you Castiel still had you pressed against the tree and supported your weight with ease.  
He pulled back for a heartbeat, concern coloring his face as he studied you and your reaction. Hoping you could surface from whatever Crowley was doing to you.  
   His heart was racing under your fingers as they lay against his chest, and you just stood, dumb founded at this latest shock. Kissed…by Castiel. Kissed by an angel.  
  
The voices from the clearing rose to shouts and instinctively you turned to look, but Castiel wasn’t going to give you the chance to escape him when he had finally brought you back. Again he captured your lips and the intensity took your breath away.  
   You gasped softly in surprise at the urgency of his kiss as his arms once again curled around your waist and held you against him while your back still pressed against the tree. It was like he was determined to block Crowley’s power with his own body.  
Every inch of your body seemed to touch his and your eyes closed as you were swept away by a wash of strange sensations.  
   Castiel didn’t need to speak; his body language said everything he wanted you to know, and maybe more.  
It scared you, how much you liked his arms around you. How it made you feel when his fingers left trails of electricity down your back. You didn’t think you had any heart left to give, so when had he laid claim to the remnants that remained?  
   You didn’t have an answer but it didn’t matter. Castiel paused and stroked your cheek gently; you stared into his eyes, mystified. He leaned forward and softly whispered your name, lips hovering above yours in cruel temptation.  
   “Castiel…”  
You murmur, about to voice one of the dozens of doubts or reasons why it wasn’t fair to him but he shook his head, speaking over you in a passionate whisper.  
“I don’t care that you believe you are damaged, I don’t care that you still love him. I don’t care about any reason you can think of why this won’t work.”  
His eyes were alive and burned with sincerity, you felt as if you were going to hyperventilate. A bright light shown from the clearing but nothing short of the end of the world could make you look away from his intense gaze.  
“I love you. Stay with me and I will protect you always.”  
  You trembled with the weight of his sincere confession, he smiled fondly down at you and continued,  
“You are a strong, amazing woman that confounds and bewilders me. You don’t need protection, but I will offer it anyway. ”  
   You didn’t know what to say, Crowley’s control was gone for the moment but it left you feeling like your bones were jelly, you didn’t want to make another decision in a moment of weakness. Castiel had become a life preserver…but was that fair to him?  
What if this was just another mistake?  
Crowley had made you feel fire in your veins, and you had gotten burned. Castiel made you feel like you had been hit by a bolt of lightning every time he touched you…  
  
“I…I don’t…”  
  
You tried to speak but it felt like you couldn’t get enough air, a huge commotion was growing in the clearing and it split your attention. You wanted to aid Sam and Dean…but what would happen? Would Crowley’s power take over again, for good this time?  
  
Castiel’s eyes softened and he looked at you as if he knew every doubt you had ever had. Those eyes like liquid sky…  
  
“You don’t have to live in nightmares; you don’t have to live for revenge.”  
  
You were crying again, Jesus you were making up for the last fifteen years of dry eyes in one damn day! You wanted so badly to just take that leap of faith…but you just couldn’t trust your own judgment anymore.  
You wouldn’t even know how to live for anything other than revenge. It’s all you had known for most of your life.  
  
Castiel smiled; somehow you felt like you knew what you were thinking. How did he always manage to read you like a book? Gingerly he released one hand from your face to reach and take your hand, and place them both over the feather that lay against your chest. You felt that same strange warmth seeping into you both from the feather and from him.  
  
“You told me you were attached to this, even when you knew it was mine.”  
  
His shoulders rotated and his brow furrowed, and his large wings exploded out behind him. Your eyes widened, gazing at how beautiful they were.  His gaze never left yours and slowly you tore your eyes from his ink-jet plumage to gaze searchingly into his eyes.  
  
“I want nothing from you. I just want to be with you. You don’t have to make promises or offer anything. I accept you as you are, all I ask is you let go of the hatred and the vengeance that has consumed you. And we can learn to be free together. Just give me a chance.”  
  
Your fingers softly squeezed your feather, His feather. Maybe it was time to learn how to live a different kind of life. Maybe love didn’t have to be painful, this certainly wasn’t, and it never was when Castiel was around. Slowly his wings folded back and blinked back into hiding, you felt a soft stab of longing. They really were beautiful.  
  
You felt your lips twitch and laughed softly. A frightened, happy, hesitant new smile spread across your face.  You had finally found something to smile about; a very patient, handsome angel, who could still find worth in a broken heart, and sit silently as you cried. Finally someone could accept you as you were, and that was enough.

And you felt more like yourself than you had in 15 years. You leaned forward and pressed your lips to his, and felt the charge that passed through you as you did. You looked up and He smiled such a goofy, deliriously happy smile you couldn’t help but smile back.  
  
“You sure are full of surprises”  
  
you murmured teasingly, and he winked. What a smooth little shit, _I’m going to have to keep an eye on him_. You thought happily, slyly imagining what else you might be keeping on him in the near future.  
  
You grabbed his hand, feeling free and full of hope but realizing you were wasting time and had lost track of what was happening in the clearing.  
“Enough of this mushy stuff, Sam and Dean need us!”  
You hissed, but smiled to show you were indeed happy, only to be cut off as you heard someone clear their throats loudly off to your right.  
  
   You both turned and you felt your face turn what could only be a startling shade of red. Dean was supporting Sam as they stood a few dozen feet away, Sam looked to be in pain but he was smiling, Dean looked positively devious as he smirked at you.  
“By all means, continue, we were enjoying the show.”  
He replied cheekily, Castiel smiled smugly at his friend while you were wavering between laughing and threatening his life. Eh, some habits die hard. After all if Castiel wanted you he’d have to take you temper and all.  
  
“Shut up Winchester, you okay Sam?”  
You asked, disentangling yourself from your angel to check on him, he looked really bad after finishing this trial. You felt a prickling of alarm, if this was only the second trial and he looked half dead…  
you would leave worrying for when you guys got the second half of the tablet.  
  
Right now the second trial was complete. You had overcome your bonds and found exactly what you needed in Castiel, and you hoped that maybe he found the same in you. You had, dare you say it, the hunter’s equivalent…to a family.  
  
And for the first time, you felt like maybe you were finally at peace.  Castiel offered to transport Sam back to the bunker so he could rest immediately but, with a wink in your direction he politely declined in favor of riding back with Dean. Castiel turned to you with a soft smile  
“Would you perhaps like to…?”  
Before he could finish you leaned up to whisper in his ear,  
“Have you ever watched the sunset with a beautiful woman on your lap Castiel?”  
You giggled as his face reddened and he seemed to be flustered at your sudden change of mood. He wrapped his arm gently around your waist and you reached up to hold on to his coat tightly  
  
“Ask me again in a few hours.”  
  
he replied and smiled down at you, and in the blink of an eye, the forest was only inhabited by bugs and animals once again.  



	12. Transformers and False hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you find a ray of hope while somewhere far off Crowley thinks over some things.

{Crowley}

  Crowley grimaced into his glass as he took another long draw, it was his fifth but he was still feeling this same damn itch.  
  He had been thwarted in the clearing, he hadn’t known the Winchesters had that kind of back-up; but he would get back at that meddling bitch soon enough.  
No, that wasn’t what had his brain buzzing and his fingers clenching the railing of his second story balcony so tightly. Normally he would have been at least a fair match to that master manipulator but something had caused him to lose his focus at exactly the wrong moment during her little dominance display.  
  
   He was unaccustomed to being defeated, but it had happened before. This was something else though; it was almost as if something had been pulling his attention from the fight, like there was something hidden from his ability to sense it outright…and losing because he couldn’t keep his focus was infuriating.  
  
   It was irksome to lose his favorite victim but he had plenty more to occupy his ministrations…but it just wasn’t as gratifying the last few months. Their screams no longer gave him the satisfaction it used to.  
   In one swift motion he downed the remains of his scotch and testily tapped the glass on the intricate railing. He had a new mansion now, with a large and extravagant bedroom whose balcony he now stood, but he never bothered going near the bed. There was no use for it anymore. Rest was a joke, and he had no interest in….other activities, anymore.  
    Everything was piling up and he was beginning to feel as if all his perfect planning had begun slipping through his fingers. All the years orchestrating his glorious rise to power and in less than a year he was being repeatedly and soundly shuffled off by two apes in plaid. Not to mention…other losses….  
  
With an irritable grunt he flung the empty tumbler into the roaring fireplace behind him; the resulting fireball was almost impressive but he paid it no mind. He knew why he had lost his focus, the same reason he refused to look in the mirror anymore.  
  What was the point of all the effort to keep groomed when there was no one to impress? He knew there were those few who whispered of how Crowley had lost his edge, gone soft; He loved when that happened. Nothing cured a case of frustrations like peeling the skin off a dissenter a thousand times over while finding out where the best place for a thumb screw was.  
   
   He smirked slightly, a glimmer of the old Crowley coming to the surface as he remembered his cruel torments in practice. Crowley, King of the Crossroads…King of Hell.  
   He sighed, staring over the grounds listlessly. An image was imbedded in his brain and refused to be willed, drank, or tortured away; an image that was a cruel beautiful torture all its own.  
  
_He could hear your voice like you were standing beside him now, it would be husky and low; the way you always spoke to entice him to forget his troubles in your arms.  Your skin would glow in the candlelight because you said you preferred firelight to set the mood. You never wore makeup and he had always loved how you never needed it, your hair would be in intricate plaits to keep it out of your way and it always made him long to rip it lose and see it flared behind your head as you moaned beneath him. Your eyes would shine brightly as you teased him; always a sarcastic little minx…_  
  
He wondered how it had spiraled so out of perspective. You were a conquest, an untamable acquisition because he wanted you. You were expendable…  
  
The fire had died after the fireball and he walked slowly into the room, looking slowly at all the splendor.  
The empty, elegant, meaningless splendor.  
   Gingerly he reached down into the drawer of the nightstand, pulling out the contents and slowly sinking onto the large four poster bed.  
   His eyes were not red, they hadn’t been for weeks, instead they stayed silken brown, hollow and dry as he stared into his limp hands; and the crumbled, stained note that bore your last kiss.  
    
  
  

{You – 3 weeks after the second trial}

    

 “What the fuck is a Metatron?”  
You asked skeptically, facing the young prophet who looked half dead. He had called in the early morning, maybe 3 am and said to come right away. Needless to say you were not in the perkiest of moods, but even in your irritation you were surprised how bad the kid looked. His eyes were damn near black and puffy, and one nostril had a wad of toilet paper shoved in to stop his near-constant nose bleeds.  
    This prophet shit was going to kill Kevin if he didn’t ease up, but no one ever listened when you tried to recommend they give the kid a reprieve, even Kevin. So desperate for it to be over…either they were being naïve or kidding themselves. It’s never over.  
    Kevin sighed, eyes heavy as he reached for the large bottle of pick-me-up pills Dean had supplied to your and Sam’s outrage.  You had to admire the kid’s determination though.  
  
“The…the last thing on our half I could decipher was a kind of mark, a signature of some kind.”  
Kevin explained wearily, Dean seemed completely lost but didn’t interrupt him, while Sam wrote everything down to research later on.  
  “It basically said ‘here is written the word of God, as was scribed by the angel Metatron.”  
  
You looked to Sam, the walking encyclopedia, but he simply shrugged at your silent question. No one had ever heard a name like that since the angels came into the mix.  
“Is that the bad guy from transformers?”  
He asked, obviously joking…or so you hoped.  
Dean chuckled and shook his head  
“That’s MEGAtron Sammy.”  
Sam flashed a rude gesture and went back to his notes as Kevin sank heavily into a chair, while dean continued offhandedly  
“Man I love those movies.”  
  
You walked up and smacked him lightly on the back of the head. Now was not the time for a robot play by play. He gave a startled ‘Hey!’ and slunk out of range of your lightening reflexes, glowering and muttering in your direction.  
  
“So if we can find this guy he might be able to tell us the final trial without having to snag the other half from Crowley?”  
  
Kevin nodded listlessly, rubbing his temple as if it pained him. Dean clapped him on the back and the poor kid damn near fell out of his chair. For weeks all noise from Crowley’s camp had gone quiet, and all leads had come up empty on how to get the second half to find out the third and final trial.  
Kevin was giving the first ray of hope in weeks. After all, a cold trail was better than no trail at all!  
  
     It surprised you how all the confusion and pain when it came to Crowley, while not gone, seemed distant since the second trial…since Castiel.  
You felt a smile tug at your lips as you thought of your angel, currently off on some mission or other, you weren’t one to hover so you didn’t always know where he was or how long he would be gone.  
Considering how independent you were, it was a good arrangement for you both. Often you would go to sleep alone and wake up to a gentle hand stroking your hair, or soft lips on yours.  
   For such a gentleman, Castiel didn’t always respect the sanctity of sleep; not surprising considering he didn’t need to sleep.  
  
You were snapped back to the present as two fingers snapped alarmingly close to your face; you looked over with a glare as dean smirked a few inches away. Any time he caught you smiling to yourself or walked in on Castiel and yourself in a private moment, his devious grin gave you the almost inescapable urge to dig one of your daggers in a few inches.

Damn Castiel and his “no violence against friends” rule. One day that monkey Dean was gonna push you too far…  
   You gave him a warning glare and, not one to take chances, Dean put his arms up in mock surrender, still smirking.  
“so sweet, really it beautiful.”  
  
You made a throat-slitting motion and moved back to Kevin, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. He seemed barely able to lift his head to look at you.  
“You did great kid, but maybe it’s time to take some time off. You don’t look so good.”  
  
He didn’t really respond, but nodded jerkily. You glared at dean until he took the hint and walked over to talk to Kevin, laying a hand on his shoulder  
“Good job Kev. Take a break.”  
You weren’t sure where he got the strength, but Kevin shook his head and stood on shaky legs, stumbling over to his wall of research.  
“I’ll rest when this is over.”  
You lost count of how many times he had said those same words. You close your eyes and prayed silently  
**_Castiel; when you have a chance, make him rest. This kid is gonna…_**  
You didn’t have to finish, your dark haired angel appeared silently behind the weak teen and tapped his shoulder gently. Instantly he folded but Castiel caught him with ease and swiftly put him on the lumpy cot in the corner.  
   Dean was caught by surprise but Sam seemed to grasp the situation pretty quickly, he tried to stand and greet their friend but grimaced in pain and sank back into his chair. You reached out to try and help but he smiled in a strained way and waved you off. You sighed, these boys and their stubborn pride was really unnecessary not to mention aggravating.  
   Instead you moved forward, smiling widely as Castiel returned to stand in front of you, a matching smile lifting his soft lips.  
   A moment later he swept you into his arms and kissed you quite unashamedly. Dean, typically, groaned like a five year old, but you flicked a finger in his direction as you returned your lover's affections, you hadn’t seen him in almost a week and there was a lot of lonely nights to make up for.  
  
Castiel pulled back a few inches, hands still wrapped tightly around you, ignoring his friend as Dean complained, eyes only for you  
“I missed you, I apologise for being so long.”  
you waved him off with a coy smile  
“Don’t worry, I’m a big girl. I assume you are aware of the newest development?”  
Ever since your little confession session in the forest you realized that the feeling he could read you was more than accurate. The closer you and he became apparently he was able to literally read your mind, although (luckily for you) if you intentionally kept him out he seemed unable to see what you were thinking for the most part. Being strong minded DID have its benefits after all. Although it was possible he only said that to placate you.  
     
  
He nodded , his smile turning into a serious frown  
  
“Metatron has not been seen or heard from for millennia. All of heaven has searched and found nothing. This is not going to be easy.”  
  
You felt the tiny optimistic bubble that had begun to grow shrivel. Since when had anything ever just been simple for a hunter? ESPECIALLY hunters associated with the Winchesters and their never-ending battle with cosmic train wrecks.  
you reached up to press your lips to his for a fleeting moment, determined to enjoy the moment of reunion before turning to address all three boys that sat or stood around you.  
  
“well I guess we better get started then.”      
  
nothing posed a more exciting challenge than showing up your angel's jackass filled family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is just a little crowley teaser, I'll be doing a full flashback to some fun times with crowley and soon after a compare with your angel ;) so keep an eye out!!


	13. Forget-Me-Nots and The Lost Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Its here boys and girls!! Im so sorry for the long wait!! lots going on RL but i will be getting to my stories over the next few weekends to get all updated so get those requests in!!!
> 
> and thanks so much to all my wonderful readers for comments of support and love <3 you make me want to write!!
> 
> special Kudos to Mimi for positively the most sweet and uplifting comments <3
> 
> and nooooow....the (addmitedly short but soon to be added to) next chapter!!
> 
>  
> 
> Summary:
> 
> Castiel returns from a long absence to see the team in shambles, an attempt to check in on Kevin finds the gang in a fit of fear...

 Despite the new direction, things did not race ahead. Kevin was moved back to his mysterious safehouse (of which you were STILL not privy to its whereabouts) to continue his translations and Castiel resumed his here-one-minute-and-gone-on-some-unknown-fieldtrip-the-next schtick. You, Larry, and curly headed back to the bunker for some rest and research. Sam was adamant he had seen one of the symbols on Kevin’s translation notes before, and despite his rapidly deteriorating condition he pressed himself to the brink sifting through book after book for the mysterious symbol. Dean was almost literally pulling his hair out trying to deal with his brothers obvious struggles. Sam couldn’t keep food down, his strength was on par with your average three year old, and he had started having fleeting moments of something akin to dementia. Talking about trips and memories from when he was nothing but a baby, acting as if they happened yesterday.  
   You covered your mounting panic for Sam’s sake but you and Dean both were terrified to face the truth. Sam was dying, slowly and painfully. No one slept, rarely ate; there had to be an answer to find this Metatron and saving Sam by finishing these damned trials. Your information seeking vacuum left all three of you oblivious to time, dates, and even each other at times. So it was shocking when Castiel suddenly appeared in front of you as you stared in frustrated silence at a book you had been trying to decipher for 4 hours. The words were there but they felt jumbled up and unreadable to your stifled brain. You visibly jumped at his entrance and slowly looked up at your celestial mate, and his jaw dropped.  
“What is wrong with you?! You look like death! I knew I shouldn’t have been gone so long!”  
he murmured in concern and internal anger. Your brow furrowed as he wrapped you in his arms, unsure why he was being so dramatic, sure you felt drained…but why was he acting like you were on your death bed?  
  You opened your mouth to speak but only a horse cough emerged. You were surprised, trying to think why your voice was so rough. When was the last time you had actually spoken? Hm…well you and dean had spoken briefly yester….no wait…how long ago was that?  
     “Damn, what has gotten into you three? I’m gone two weeks and you are all wasting to nothing! I am not happy with Dean for his lack of care over you.”  
 Adrenaline raced through your veins, TWO WEEKS?! How is it possible you had zombie out for two goddamn weeks?! Castiel lifted you easily and in the same instant appeared in the room with an unconscious sam and a dozing dean. The latter jumped hastily to his feet, weapon in hand but he sagged when he saw who it was.  
“oh, Cas. Welcome back.”  
  
{Castiel}  
  
Dean slowly sat back down, looking years older than he had that day in the forest. The angry tirade Castiel had planned for his friend died on his lips. Things were worse than he had thought. All three of you looked worn to the bone, but Sam…his very spirit was weak. Castiel gently set you back on your feet and slowly moved to stand next to Sam, gently resting a hand on Sam’s shoulder. Dean’s face was weary but his older brother instincts had his following every movement keenly, wary of any signs of a worsening of his brother’s condition.   
  You just stood where Castiel had gently set you, eyes drooping in weary patience. Sam had often collapsed amidst a pile of books, still searching for that damnable symbol, he had convinced himself it was the key to finding Metatron…but Dean and you both knew it was false hope; but couldn’t bring yourselves to break it to the frail Winchester.  
   Castiel heard your sad thoughts, and his concern deepened.  He reached his grace towards sam but was shocked at what he felt a moment later. Somehow these tasks were changing Sam, but not just his health…  
  
{15 minutes later, in the kitchen}  
  
Dean leaned against the counter, irish coffee simmering in his cup and a deep frown creasing his face. You sat next to Castiel, he held your hand gently against his leg as he spoke, editorializing what he had felt about Sam’s state.  
  
“…He is changed in ways I cannot fully understand. His very molecules are changing. I do not know what will become of him by the time the third trial can be deciphered.”  
  
Castiel shook his head regrettably and you squeezed his hand gently for support, his feather resting against your breast moved and sent a wave of warmth through your chest. Being near him still gave you that struck-by-lightening feeling and even in these dire times it warmed your heart to know he was really there with you, together against the odds.  
   You assumed Castiel heard your errant thought and smiled sideways in your direction, reaching your entwined hands to caress your jean-covered thigh lovingly.   
He never failed to reward your increasingly more disgustingly mushy mooning over him, not that he wasn’t just as guilty of reveling in the new bond, it was just harder when you couldn’t read his mind back.

 Looking back to Dzean he mulled over the new development before quickly downing the scalding coffee and shaking his head as if to clear the cobwebs.  
  
“We need to go see Kevin, maybe he found something else that could help.”  
  
you sighed softly but nodded, standing automatically. Several times Dean had run off to consult with their resident prophet; mostly just for a change of pace, last time he came back very flustered. Apparently Kevin had become more and more delusional, more psychotic in nature than Sam’s delusions. Kevin was convinced Crowley knew where he was and was coming to kill him. Dean insisted he had talked him down but it had left a bad taste in your mouth. Kevin wouldn’t crack like that after all he had been through, something was definitely up and you were going to talk to him. Secret locations be damned!

   Castiel reached to put a hand on your shoulder and the other on Dean’s, and with a soft whoosh you found yourself standing outside the most unsafe looking houseboat you had ever seen. THIS is where they stashed the kid? Damn, I’d go crazy too in that pile of scrap! You thought scathingly and moved forward, the boys fanned out beside you. The three of you moved one by one into the death-trap but came up short as you entered the space beyond. While you had not had high hopes for the interior you surely hadn’t been expecting….nothing. There were no signs anyone lived there at all. Where was the large patchwork of translations Sam had described? Or the effervescing stench of hotdogs that permeated from Kevin every time he came to the bunker?  
  
“D-Dean?”  
  
you questioned, shocked immobile, and you heard Dean curse as he scanned the space and march forward.  
  
“Damn. Damn. Damn! Come on Kid! Where are you?!”  
  
he quickly searched the whole craft but it only confirmed what you all guessed, Kevin was gone.  
  
“Damn I didn’t think he was that bad…he rabbited…he could be anywhere!”  
  
You felt so guilty, you had all been so concerned by Sam’s plight you had ignored Kevin’s struggles. He was only a kid and in the frenzied world of a hunter it was easy to forget not so long ago he had been a nerd in high school, an innocent kid. He hadn’t chosen this life…and now he was god-only-knew-where without any resources or contacts. You were never what anyone would call maternal, but you felt for the kid, fifteen years ago that was you, alone and drowning in blood and death. Victim to a terrible turn of events you had no control over.  
  
“ Dean we have to find him! He’s just a kid!”  
  
you burst out, looking desperately between the two men, but Castiel merely wrapped an arm around you and pulled you into his chest gently, and you saw the sadness mixed with frustration in Dean’s expression, as he muttered hopelessly  
  
“How?”  
  
and it broke your heart to answer  
  
“I don’t know.”  



	14. One last hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team receives some hard news to bare, but through it Sam may have found a new lead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This doesnt have a lot of action, kind of filler, but more coming soon!
> 
> sorry for my LONG absence! but baby is healthy now so the story shall commence! any ideas, suggestions or comments are welcomed and appreciated!  
> Thanks for reading and hope you enjoy as the story unfolds <3

  
  You groaned and sat up, the remains of your blanket-nest falling around you. Mornings were harder these days, most likely do to the fact that you didn't crash until 3 am most nights. Ever since Kevin's disappearance it seemed his reckless obsession with ending all this as soon as possible had passed to the rest of you, but it showed in different ways.  
  
Sam pretty much lived in the library. Books of all shapes and sizes strewn all over the large oak table that served as Sam's desk and, often, his pillow. You had moved a cushioned armchair into the room so he at least could be more comfortable; both Dean and you had tried to get him to rest, or eat, or take care of himself but he stubbornly refused. No amount of rest would help what was happening to him he said.  
    Dean, as a result, had become obsessed with Sam's health, the worse he got the more Dean babied him. and it was more often than not you heard their heated discussions about it. Sam waving off his brother and Dean all but begging him to slow down.  
  
  You? you dealt with your guilt a different way. A more practical way. You had sent word to every hunter on the northern continent that you could reach, and left instructions to pass on the word to those you couldn't. Every hunter was on the lookout for Kevin.   
   Your gut roiled every time his haggard face popped into your mind, which was constantly. That poor kid...you should have been there for him. Now he was out there, half-crazed and alone. You knew dean carried the same feelings of remorse and guilt, you guys were the adults...you should have listened to him. recognized how far gone he had become.  
Sam had dean, and vice versa....you now had Castiel....who did Kevin have to pull him through?  
you knew the answer, his mother, but all attempts to contact her had failed.  
  she had disappeared as quickly and absolutely as her son. You only hoped they were together and safe. Because the only other option...  
  
You shook your head and stood, trying to clear your frazzled brain with action. You didn't bother changing clothes, you slept in normal outfit most days, and simply readjusted your hair and moved to the door. You opened it and sighed, the all-too-familiar arguing floating in from the library.  
  
" ...Need to eat something! do you know how long its been??"  
  
a tale tell sigh, and a tired voice replied  
  
"I...I don't know Dean"  
  
Dean's exasperated voice cut through his reply  
  
"Three days dude! you cant keep going like this!"  
  
you rolled your eyes and walked out, knowing if you didnt step in this could go on for a while. stepping through the door you saw Dean standing over sam, slumped in his usual chair, with a bowl of some ungodly-looking soup on a tray between them. Before you could open your mouth Sam seemed to have had enough, he stood up rigidly, a feat in his current condition.  
he eyed his brother irritably and replied harshly  
  
"This is not a cold Dean! a nap and some soup wont make this better! You cant fix this Dean."  
  
Sam said the last part gently, pleadingly. Dean looked stung, but you and Dean both knew what Sam said was true, but he hadnt finished yet.  
  
"The only way I'm going to get better is by finishing these damn trials. Finish this once and for all."  
  
It struck you how much Sam reminded you of Kevin just now. the weakness...the desperation. Your hand balled into a fist and you walked in, both brothers halting as they noticed your presence  
  
"Enough bickering. Sam's right Dean, let it go. we have..."  
  
Before you could finish Dean's phone chimed. all three of you looked over curiously, as Dean scanned his phone his eyes lit up  
  
"its an email, from kevin!"  
  
The light came back into Sam's eyes  
  
"Finally!"  
  
he murmured, and all three of you hurried to the computer so you could all see it at once.  
Dean pulled up the email and it contained a secure link. pressing it you all sat back and waited.  
You breathed a sigh of relief as Kevin's face popped onto the screen, but it didnt last long.  
  
"Everyone, its me. Ive set this video to send itself to you from a remote server if i didnt reset it once a week. and obviously i didnt reset it...and there's only one reason i wouldnt.  
"  
he was shaking as he spoke and you felt your face tremble watching his slim frame slouched in the camera's frame. you knew what was next, you all did. and you wanted nothing more than to reach through the screen and find Kevin safe again.  
  
"I...I'm dead"  
  
you saw his eyes fill with emotion and he slammed his hands down on the desk in the frame  
  
"IM DEAD YOU BASTARDS. SO SCREW YOU, AND GOD, AND EVERYONE IN BETWEEN!"  
  
the wild, horrified look in that boys eyes was too much, you closed your eyes and ignored the wetness falling down your cheeks as he continued  
  
"Crowley must have gotten to me. and I know one thing...I wont break this time. Ive uploaded all my notes and translations, so you'll have to do it yourselves from here."  
  
you heard his voice break and opened your eyes to stare in sadness at his broken face on the video. Made god only knows how long ago. tears ran down his face and he seemed to try and calm himself before continuing  
  
"I....I'm sorry. I...I know...it was my job....but I c-couldnt...."  
  
his face grew colder and he sniffled once  
  
"I'm sorry"  
  
and the screen went dark. and you dropped to your knees in silence. You heard books fly from the table as Dean yelled angrily and stormed off. Sam just sat, staring at the screen in disbelief. The printer kicked on and began printing the notes Kevin had embedded. It took a long time before either of you could find the will to move again.  
  
   
  
  
{Three Days Later}  
  
All three of you sat around the large library table, print outs of Kevin's work strewn on every available surface. Arguments, struggles...it was all forgotten in the urgency of action. It was all you could do to keep moving forward. Castiel had not come back since Kevin's disappearance, whatever his secret mission was...you were beginning to worry.  
Suddenly Sam straightened and his face looked puzzled.  
  
"Hey, check this out."  
  
Dean and you both stood to come around and look at the sheets of paper in his hands as he continued  
"See this mark? ive seen it a dozen times, Kevin thought it was a sort of signature right? it pops up every time metatron makes like an editors note right?"  
  
Dean shrugged, unimpressed  
"so?"  
  
Sam continued, standing and walking to the large bookshelves  
  
"I swear ive seen it before. Not now, a long time ago. During one of my courses back at stanford"  
  
Dean scoffed  
  
"They taught 'word of god' at stanford?"  
  
Sam gave Dean an exasperated look and huffed, finally finding the book he had apparently been looking for. it was large and he heaved it onto the table and smiled slightly.  
  
"It was an overview of native american art. I think...it might be a petroglyph"  
  
he began rifling through the pages and you moved to stand over his hunched shoulder, scanning the pages along with him.   
finally he flipped about halfway through and stopped dead, there was the mark!  
  
Sam and you exchanged an excited glance as he read aloud  
  
"says here this was a territorial marker from a small tribe. When all the other tribes fell to the "white man" they held on to their little scrap of mountain against all odds. closest translation..."  
  
sam looked up and had a look you hadnt seen in a long time. hope.  
he continued in an awed whisper  
  
"closest translation...messenger of god. Messenger of god! dean we have to go!"  
  
Despite yours and sam's elation dean looked skeptical  
  
"on that hunch we're gonna hop in the car and drive god knows where? you can barely function sam! you think the scribe of god is just sitting and hanging with a bunch of indians?"  
  
Sam was exasperated and so were you, you cut in irritably  
  
"so what?! its a better lead than we've ever had before! Kevin (you choked a little saying his name but continued) if he couldnt figure out all this, how the hell would we?!"  
  
Dean seemed about to retort but sam wasnt listening to protests, looking at you he turned and grabbed his jacket  
  
"we should go."  
  
you nodded, glanced at dean and walked out behind him. Dean groaned, grabbing his jacket too as he followed you both out.  
  
"Sam isnt the only one who's delirious!"  
  
he muttered

**Author's Note:**

> I have a billion ideas how this could play out, feel free to share any preferences or ideas!!


End file.
